niffira.nia's

Cork?

2011-09-23T13:49:00.001-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

I was waiting for a spark of eureka to shot across my mind, for I haven't been writing anything in on here for awhile, and I have a stack of tales to tell. Alas, it came with a bang. I've been living in Cork for almost two weeks now, and almost everything has turned out from bad to better. I'm still warming up to the living and learning, but it feels much cosier day after day. I guess that's a good sign, isn't it? Finding an orientation to live by is an interesting process, for now. I had a vague idea of what sort of person I'd like to become, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one making all the plans. I figured out it's much easier to live my life step by step, putting my best foot forward and let it lead me on. 20 years of life has keep me moulded to what I am today.. hence whether I'm up for an upcoming challenge or not, any arising issues would not really originate from external sources - I believe I will eventually evolve and accommodate, and the strength or the motivation to do so would have to come internally.

And my internal sources over here in this part of the world are just satisfying and fulfilling. To those who has helped feeding it, I say thanks.

Long Overdue

2011-08-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

My last post was on the Borneo trip I had with some friends. Since then, I haven't been writing in here, and somehow for some reason, there's no particular reason for that. Quite a few significant things happen to me, to people around me, to those in an extended radius; about me, about them.

I went for a meeting in MARA HQ a few days after the Borneo Trip and there, despite the acceptance of a horrifying-looking agreement forms, I've been given the chance to spend time with my best friend & some good friends. I guess I already know back then I'd to make the most out of it because anything could happen on Graduation Day & we might simply just won't have time for each other. Well, as it turned out, I was correct.. and a week later the G-Day turned out to be one hell of a rush. I was required to leave in a hurry, with just a few snapshots of pictures & small exchange of conversations. I guess I was happy enough with the whole thing though.. I've got lots to be grateful for; and brief moments with the people I care about on earth seemed unquestionably better than none at all. Alhamdulillah, and may Allah helps keep our friendships genuine and true.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, I was back in my hometown in Sibu, Sarawak. I settled the things necessary for my agreements; medical check-up @ the hospital, declaration forms @ the court, renewal of passport @ the immigration office. They were all completed in three days. Everything's so simple over there, as I've got close friends & families working in those places, and it's a small town I could easily steer my way around; with my aunt Bokyah in the driver's seat of course. And my parents, my aunts & uncles arranged a Majlis Kesyukuran for me going overseas.. and it was overwhelming, to say the least. Family friends, relatives & fellow neighbors came all the way, even from as far as Kuching to join in the celebration, each with an envelope filled with a certain amount of money for me. I did not expect any of it and by the end of the day I was pretty astounded by the amount - nearly RM5,000 were collected. I'm not disabled, I'm not an orphan, I'm not homeless, I'm not entitled for charity of any kind; I'm just Ain - their granddaughter, their cousin, their niece, their family who are (presumably) going to make them proud someday. Holding back tears, I then made a vow to not let myself forget that day; a vivid reminder that other than my own merits, there are many things that had brought me to where I am today, and where I am heading for after this. I owe my family a good name.. and a trip back down to earth once in a while.

Anyway, I've gotten the result of my university placement around that time as well. My name was listed under the University College of Cork (UCC), Ireland, for a full five year-course with eleven other KMB students. The other fifty of them are under the ACMS group, a twinning (2.5 years) program with UCC. In all honesty I was taken aback when I first heard the news. I was quite upset, really. I was hoping for Dublin for many reasons (being the capital city is not one of it), but I got landed with Cork; situated roughly two hours of travel from there. I have never given the place a serious thought before, and for the first time (in a long period of time), I actually felt insecure. After a few days though, I was reassured, and it doesn't sound that bad at all. I always believe I am granted with the best things (for myself), and Cork County seems like a beautiful place to live & to study in. Time will tell, so I just need to get there and see it all by myself! Ha-ha speaking about optimism -.-

Things are going my way right now. But sometimes, a few random thoughts came knocking on my mind, and for example - at times like this, how can I write about the privileges I received, when I read the newspapers in a daily basis, filled with horrifying photos of Somalian kids starved to death, and bodies everywhere. It's like living in an entirely two different worlds, two different planets. It makes me wonder if things could turn out to be different. And I wouldn't even dare to wonder if things are reversed. I couldn't help but to sigh upon those images, and be grateful of this country, this homeland I belong to today.

Some Trip.

2011-07-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

Friends depart, and memory takes them

to her caverns, pure and deep.

- Haynes Bayly, Teach Me to Forget

As I sit in front of my personal computer writing this, I thought about nothing but how blessed I am. For the last six days, until yesterday, I've been spending my hours in the company of a handful of wonderful people I'd like to call friends. A trip which had been initially signed up with half of a willing heart due to many bothering uncertainties.. had proven itself worthy, after all. I'd go to any part of the world with the company I had. It's not because they were flawless (we are humans, thus naturally flawed), or of their strong stomachs (a few weak ones along the way - the last thing you need in a trip), or of the value of friendships being offered (some of ours were so newly-established that we barely knew each other). No, I'd go to any part of the world with the company I had as I'd begun to let them in, to be able to accept them for who they are, and to genuinely love them for it. Those are the blessings granted for me in a week. I miss sharing my bed with a crowd, I miss talking to sleep, I miss laughing at lame jokes and be laughed at mine, I miss taking care of them in my own way. However, I'm forever grateful, that with every parting.. came with it the value of a meeting. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Belajar dari Alam,

Belajar dari Insan.

Rahmat dari Yang Maha Kuasa,

Ihsan-Nya menyuluh serata buana.

Dhania Haron, Ezreeah Mustapha, Dalila Atiqah, Jacintha Lee.

Azzeem Shahren, Abang Mohd Redzuan, Bessima Jamal, Arnoldweld.

Mahdi's. Ryner, Liew, Jennifer, Evan, Samuel.

The sparkling seas, breezy winds, winding roads, puffy clouds & crazy turbulences.

Jama' & Qasar. "Berkatilah perjalanan kami. Moga selamat pergi & kembali. Sesungguhnya solatku, ibadahku, hidupku & matiku hanya kerana-Mu."

Darkest, Dawn

2011-07-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah, all praise is due to Allah. I've achieved the required IB points set by MARA and also IUMC. InshaAllah, if all goes well, I'll be flying off to somewhere in Ireland by early September and enter a medical school there. TCD, UCD, UCC, or NUIG? That'll be decided soon by the appropriate body. I cannot be more grateful than this, and I'm excited. Thanks Ya Allah, for You've granted the best things life can possibly offer to me, at this point of time.

The night when the results came out, I've already written a bunch of paragraphs full of crap about how overwhelmed I feel, in how much disbelief I currently am.. reminiscing about the good, old days which seemed to finally pay off. After 30 minutes of it, I simply deleted the entire essay. I'd never published it since. I guess there's nothing, really, that can do justice about the entire experience. Not even now. Not even this.

So I'm just going to skip that part.

After almost five days of keeping my head down, so many things has happened; around me, within me. To name a few - a rally turned nasty and turning everything else, a bunch of students fighting their way through post-IB to make it to a decent medical/engineering school, and a rather lucky girl who seems to have the things she wants, rolling to her feet.. etc. Only one of these three things mentioned concerns me directly, the one which is the least important, the most insignificant. Who wants to listen to a happy little girl anyway? That doesn't make a good story, does it?

The world, doesn't revolve around me. I might be happy now, I might not be so after this. There's no shame in being happy. Celebrate. Say thanks, all smiles. But yes, there are things, bigger things that are just so much bigger than myself happening right now.

The sisters and brothers of my nation, my religion are turning against each other. They no longer recognize their purpose, all they can see are battlefields to be won. They cannot tell between their foes and friends. They insulted each other on the streets, they quarrel and humiliate one another in social networking sites.. almost everyone is determined to take sides, pick a stand or even a parang, and fight.

Choose one side, I am right. You are wrong. Now we fight. Winner takes it all.

A bunch of my friends are struggling to secure placements, scholarships. Every time my phone vibrates on incoming emails coming from them (to our councillor), I'll take a peek, sensing weariness along each line. I cannot imagine it happening to me, I cannot possibly know how it actually feel like. They're my friends, and I've known some of them quite well, having studying together with some of them myself. It broke my heart. I'm taping and gluing it together with prayers.

No matter how things may turn out to be after this, faith is a a very useful tool to hold on to. Whatever it is that had been decided for you, something good awaits. It's always the darkest before dawn, isn't it?

No pretty words can help any of you, but I mean it.

You know what?

2011-07-03T02:40:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

You know what? I'm, freaked out right now. I know, I'm not supposed to be worried, what's coming will come, the result is already there you just need to handle it well, because believe it or not everything you're going to get is the best one for you, and that you know on top of everything else.. you've done your best, and.. the list goes on and on. I KNOW. The thing is, knowing and feeling just don't match sometimes. Your hands just got all sweaty, and you can feel your tiny heart beating fast, and, you just, don't feel right. I'm doing all I can to keep myself occupied, and I just, move around. The next thing I know, I'm watching a marathon of Grey's Anatomy all day long, letting myself be in their world for a change, and escaping from my own. I'm hostile, and volatile. I guess my parents know me slightly better than I gave them credit for, because they don't seem to be put out with me. I guess, too, at one point, they even stopped caring for the results I'm going to get. I guess they are much more concerned on how I'll be handling the news, the bad one, of course. But still, it's getting much more personal than that. This is what happen when you're no longer a sixteen-year-old teenage girl, eager to prove a point to anybody who cares. You're twenty, ready to take things onto your own plate, and start considering this whole thing is about you, your life, and all that you've got to do with it. So yes, I'm pleased with the fact that my parents are not expecting much, but for me, that's no longer the battle I'm fighting for. It's the expectation I have, towards myself. That very expectation is exactly what my own parents are concerned about. I've never really failed before, not in this kind of thing. PTS, UPSR, PMR, SPM. Never. And now, IB. I guess I have no idea what failure can do to me. I guess I'm just, scared.

Sudut Pandang.

2011-06-25T05:05:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Aku yakin manusia ada akarnya. Akar setiap manusia itu sama. Akar itu berfitrah; dan fitrahnya suci, putih, bersih. Akar itu tahu dia ciptaan, dan dia kenal Pencipta-nya.

Aku juga yakin, bahawa setiap manusia itu punya jalan hidupnya sendiri. Kelahiran bukan permulaan, kematian bukan juga penamat. Setiap detik hidupnya di Dunia punya makna yang tidak mungkin bisa ditafsir sebenar-benarnya dengan anak mata manusia biasa.

Perlukah tafsiran di penghujung setiap langkah? Tidak.

Aku yakin, ditafsir atau tidak… setiap perkara akan terungkai kebenarannya pabila tiba masa sesuai.

Setiap interaksi kemanusiaan. Setiap bait kata alim ulama’ guru rakan sahabat, pembawa potongan Hadis & Al-Quran yang mengetuk apa-apa pintu yang sanggup dibukakan. Setiap buku yang dibaca. Setiap pengembaraan di ceruk Dunia. Setiap mimpi yang membuai dan menghantui – sehingga meninggalkan bayang ketika jaga. Setiap kotoran yang diludah, atau dijilat semula. Setiap cebisan akar-akar fitrah yang masih diberi peluang menikmati suburnya tanah. Setiap persimpangan yang memerah pertimbangan, pilihan dan keputusan…

Segala macam ‘Setiap’ yang aku dan engkau mampu fikirkan.

Dalam lelap mahupun jaga, aku yakin bahawa manusia dibimbing langkahnya oleh ‘Setiap’ ini, dibentuk.

A personalized database; retrievable, mostly by our unconscious machineries than the conscious ones. An entirely different element is required to overrun the data, however. Hm? Tafsirlah kenyataan ini semahunya.

Oleh kerana itu aku yakin, manusia itu akan senantiasa berubah. Berubah… bukan diubah mahupun mengubah.

Selagi perjalanannya di Dunia belum mencapai titik akhir, selagi itulah ‘database’-nya akan sentiasa dikemaskini.

Lapangkan dada. Berikan ruang untuk Ilmu, Pengalaman, Mimpi, Suka dan Luka selayaknya.

Berikan ruang untuk akar fitrahmu bernafas.

Heh.

2011-06-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

“I’m strong, and I am comfortable with being strong and I like that I’m strong. And if that is too much woman for you, if that makes your junk feel tiny, I am not going to make myself smaller. I am not going to put myself in a box so you can feel like a big man. I am a big woman, either you get used to it or get out.”

TV Challenge | 9 Characters You Love | Charlotte King (Private Practice)

And Here We Are.

2011-06-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

"Here I am,

getting nearer to the end

of thoughts, of words,

yet, forever yours

and let this River bear witness."

- And Here We Are (Mekong River, 10032010)

An excerpt of a poem written, while she's sitting at the tip of a boat piercing through the calm surface of Mekong River, sending wild ripples of waves everywhere. As if bounded by a spell casted by the river itself, she continued scribbling on a piece of jagged brown paper, unmoved by the chilling cold of the winds, nor disturbed by the sounds of voices singing "Right Here Waiting For You" on the other side of the boat. She can barely see her own handwriting in the dark, but there's something else illuminating the tip of her pen, guiding the twists and turns of her little fingers - the slow hum of her own heart, sharing secrets with the River... through the black ink embedded within the brown paper.

The same piece of paper was rediscovered by her a year later, folded clumsily between the pages of a book... and everything, everything had changed.

Vague memories, filled with haze and disappearing with time.

Go Green!

2011-06-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Okay Goodmorning. It's 2.10 a.m. now, and I'd LOVE nothing more than to crush my bed and call it a night. But unfortunately, my fingers got itchy and my neural networks seem pretty active to project a brief (hopefully) review of the interesting 'simulation' I received just now - Green Lantern, 11.55 p.m., Hall 10 Seat G-11.

Basically, positive. Green Lantern, you've got a greenlight, or maybe perhaps I'm easy to please when it comes to state-of-the-art visual graphic designs and just plain, good humor. I mean, really, I've got all the presumptions set and ready to receive another superhero movie tonight; silly suits, ridiculous masks, super techie gadgets, ugly crooks, typical ladies ready to be swept off their feet and what-nots.

Haha. GL got that all alright. It fits the bill! But I'm okay with it. As I'd mentioned earlier, graphics and good humor. Enough said. (Well, maybe after watching some superhero movies before, I was being left assuming superheroes are always, always sober and serious and only knows how to fight deadly monsters and make stupid sacrifices) -.-

Ohh, and at least the Carol Ferris (Blake Lively) in the movie didn't leave me with the same impression of the typical helpless (useless), swooning beauty of a leading lady in most superhero movies. She's a jet fighter who successfully runs an airline company, and the one who (finally) instantly recognized the superhero behind his lame, green mask. He-he.

IN ALL HONESTY, I'VE ISSUES WITH SPIDERMAN, BATMAN, AND SUPERMAN MOVIES.

That explains. :)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------End of Review.

See? Now thaaaattt's what I call a crazy raw assessment. I'm absolutely giving a high rating on this one (the movie, not the review) because, well, it exceeds my expectations. It neutralizes the considerably negative presumptions previously set by me, which were based on my personal experiences watching as an audience whose eyes are untrained in the technical, or artistic components of film-making. By acknowledging my limited insight on that, my dissatisfaction on superhero movies is merely due to the storylines I deemed weak and products of recycled items over and over again. Boring. Predictable plots. GL hadn't really been any more unpredictable, but I'm pretty much convinced it'd slightly surpassed that, and it'd been sufficiently satisfactory.

Still, it's no perfection. There are a few things bothering me up till now, but I'll let them pass.

However, the moment I walked out of the cinema, I was amused by the sensibility put forth by the Director in some (SOME!) parts of the movie, those I've always been looking for in the previous superhero movies. I guess, above all, that clouded my judgment on other significant little things building the entire production, which were not exactly flawless.

The point is, it'd amused me, and that amusement felt worthy of the couple of ringgits I've spent watching. I guess, only that matters. The brain's a self-organizing system, remember? Thanks EdB.

Goodnight!

Ducks, Anyone?

2011-06-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Antidaeophobia - Fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you (fictional, from Gary Larson cartoon).

Source; Phobia Dictionary (http://www.blifaloo.com/info/phobias.php)

Well, perhaps an information on ducks which is much more significant to the topic I have in mind is that they.. quack. Quaackkkk quack quack quack. To us human, those noisy quackings are nothing more than just, noise. Sore to the ears, a pain in the b---. Because why? We're of different species. We speak of different tongues, of different biological languages, in different frequencies. We simply couldn't make sense of each other.

Confused, confused. Conflicts. Arguments. Confrontations-- eureka!

What if, for a moment there, those differences are lifted. Ducks speak the language of the homo sapiens. Or homo sapiens speak the ducks', whatever. Now we all can understand each other. Language barriers lifted. And then, everyone starts talking at the same time. Eager to get their messages across to the other side. Nobody listens.

Confused, confused. Conflicts. Arguments. Confrontations-- eureka!

The noise finally recedes. Suddenly, in the middle of the crowd... "I am RIGHT, and You are WRONG!"

And whose little voice is that, you may ask?

Nobody's. He listened.

But oh well. Nobody, being a nobody... has such a tendency to fall into either hellhole - right, or wrong.

I doubt any ducks or homo sapiens (or nobodys) would've fancy vocabulary classes.

Interception.

2011-06-12T06:59:00.000-07:00

She misses you. Only to you she can be a cry baby and just pour her heart out; well after her false pretence identified and broken down by you against her own will.

She'd give anything for a vivid, one-night dream.

Of just one typical sunny, late afternoon Sunday. The clinking sound of metallic chairs bumping into each other.. and the two of us overlooking the trees, both deeply fascinated by rays of sun coming through them. She can feel you beside her, but still.. no one bother to fill in the silence. Silence doesn't bother them. It connects, not severe. She heaves a deep sigh, the corner of her lips tightened and her brows furrowed.. and with not a single glance, there you are, "Hoi. Kenape ni?!"

If in case you're reading this, She happens to love you very much.

As It Is.

2011-06-11T05:04:00.001-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

She has never regretted any of it. Only perhaps, at a moment of weakness (a few milliseconds of it), the uninvited feelings of sadness and despair took over. She felt outcasted, diminished..and very much alone. Amazing what milliseconds can offer, huh?

She has never regretted any of it. She never has any real need for anyone, unless if she really loves them. She rather not use anyone to serve as her privileges, or advantages to save her neck from anything; there's no real need for that. She has got nothing to be saved from. Or even if she does, she'll make sure her cards are being played as well. She's not the kind who'll let others fighting for her battle without her drawing her own sword. Unlike some.

She has never regretted any of it. She comes to you to give, not to take. But she doesn't come often.

She has never regretted any of it. She understands that in the course of giving, being selective is a natural part of the process. She'd made her sets of selections. You've made yours. Can you remember the events? The items on the weighing balance. The choices made. Then you should remember the demands she was being persuaded to reconsider, and eventually fulfilled. She'd faced the issues head-on, hadn't she? Clearly she's got more balls than the two combined. Marshmallows.

She has never regretted any of it.

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Candles Flicker!

2011-06-08T05:41:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

You know what? I know exactly what I want to do now. It's time to write again.

It feels just right;

"I can feel it in my bones," - Norman, Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang.

Come to think of it, I've been writing things in here since I was fifteen. Almost 200 posts altogether! Maybe I can publish a book out of these junks someday.

Just Another Day.

2011-06-08T02:16:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

I found those who think of Holidays now as nothing but boredom, extremely amusing. I can understand why, though. For almost two years, me and my friends had always found our waking hours filled with stacking assignments, commitments to one programme after another. Now that we're allowed to have one month all to ourselves, before the reality of our last performance sinks in, we simply don't know what to do. The free hours of the day seem riveting.. unfamiliar, unnatural. Ah, sometimes I found myself sitting on the couch holding an overflowed bowl of cereal, staring blankly into space. Haha.

However, how pitiful it is for us if we just let this pass. Or worst, praying and hoping all we can for the hours to leap over. It's quite predictable for us to react that way, really. We've been doing that for years and years. We couldn't wait for high school. We're ticking the days off for being in the senior year. We swore we could DIE waiting for college to roll. And now, we would trade anything to have the result by tomorrow and to leave Malaysia the day after. Wouldn't we?

Look around.

In my case - the unfinished books, the cupboards filled with snacks, the queen-sized bed and plush toys it held, the golden rays of sun every morning and late afternoon.. and my parents, patiently fulfilling (and rationalizing with) every wish their little girl makes.

It's natural for us to be impatient. But remember, everything has its own time and place. Rush on any of it, and you're the one who are going to be missed out. I'm reading three books at once now.. spending some of the days going to cinema and watch three movies in a row - a marathon. Tune in to History Channel. AXN. SWR. SMV. CITRA. Sleep whenever I wish to. Eat. Exercise. Be spoilt. Who cares?

Blink.

Does it ever occur to you how many things go on behind the closed doors? Every perception, judgment, impression made has its own roots. Deep underneath our consciousness, well-buried.. but it's there. Until we learn how to control it, give it a form of structure, identify and organize it..we will be rather susceptible to rigid principles and a swaying order of life, responsible for many misconceptions we carry throughout our lifetime.

Blink blink.

The Small People.

2011-06-07T04:59:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

I can simply whip this off, let it pass. But for some reason I won't..and don't ask me why.

I went back to Kampung last weekend, my grandmother's ill and we thought of paying a one-night visit. It turned out that she's gravely ill and so we extended our stay for another two days. Even though her illness is of my utmost concern right now, the journey back to Johor Bahru this afternoon marked another significant motivation in my life. I've always known this whole thing is something bigger than myself, but still, it took twenty years for the 'picture' to form.

Admittedly, I didn't actually know my paternal lineage. The maternal one never seem to be as mysterious, they're quite transparent, with only a few twists and turns that didn't really concern me directly. Well, on my father's side on the other hand, it had been quite a drama. Imagine, after twenty years of living, only you realized how well-branched the family tree you're from. In the car this afternoon, I listened to the story of my great-grandfather, a renowned Magistrate in Malaya (once upon a time), his sons and daughters (the siblings of my grandfather whom I had never known of before), etc. One of them in fact, is a distinguished corporate figure I admire. To know we're actually related, that amused me for awhile.

I bet he, and she don't even know I existed. Know by relation, perhaps.. but I've never seen them in my lifetime, yet. During my great-grandfather's time, things happened..and I'm from the Small Lot. That's why I've never known. That's why nobody told me. It wasn't really pleasant I guess.

But then, that's my great-grandfather's time. Decades ago. This is his great-grandchildren's time. And during this time, tables may turn. It's okay if they haven't heard of me. They must be decent bunch of people though, I guess. We've never said Hi or Hello to each other, that's all. I'm not ready, and it's not the right time. I'll enter a good medical school, earn first class honors for my medical degree, continue my specialization, and make a decent living out of my own sweats. Then, and only then, if God wills it of course, I shall extend a hand; a bond connecting all the families together. A bond conjured by The Small People, which no longer seem as small. Someday.

Wind of June.

2011-05-31T05:45:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

It had been a while since my last post. Amidst all its drama, I've finished IB for good. Two years had once seem so long and lengthy..now it'd passed as swiftly as yesterday's breeze. I haven't been writing much. Dad got me a new bookshelf for my books, it's white and I loved it. I'm up to something now.. and I'm anticipating some results. I don't feel like doing much, it's one month away from the awaited results and I'll deal all that I have to deal later. I'm waiting patiently for my wires, plugs and switches to move me to write something, anything on the ending of IB, but really I couldn't. To contain all that I've felt in one blog entry doesn't seem to do it justice, maybe that's why. Or perhaps I'm just lazy.

Honestly; I've never dared myself to walk blindly like this. Follow the flow, swim alongside the current - whatever you call it. I realize placing a few rationalization process behind closed doors has given myself the space (and excuses) to do what I have to do. A subtle way to put the blame to no one (not to me) but situations. I wonder if that's acceptable. I'm not playing a goody-two-shoes for anyone. Perhaps I'm fleeing myself from the possible guilty conscience in near future. So I can say, "Hey. That's never my intention!" And hence, naturally be excused.

Chiao.

a piece of mind.

2011-05-22T04:31:00.001-07:00

Indeed, mungkin apa yang kamu suka itu tidak baik utk kamu, dan yg kamu tidak ingini itu baik utk kamu. Sesungguhnya Tuhan kamu Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu. But sometimes, humans just need reasons to b given some space to breathe. To like wht he likes, to dislike wht he doesnt. If he's a true Believer, he'll understand that truth of certain things will have its own time n place to be revealed.

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Pedih.

2011-03-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Hanya Tuhan yang mengerti sebenar-benar kepedihan di hati setiap insan milik-Nya. Pedih, perit jerih sebuah perjuangan yang tidak ada sudahnya. Semuanya kerana janji; janji akan sebuah riwayat kehidupan yang sememangnya penuh dengan erti jika benar-benar dihayati. Sebuah lagi medan peperangan bakal dirasmi, dengan pedang yang berkilau sinar matanya, kubu kukuh besi berani. Namun si pahlawan kecil masih teragak-agak langkahnya, masih mengira-ngira kudrat lawannya. Jauh di sudut hati getaran di sanubari tidak mampu disembunyi. Tersilap langkah mampu dimakan acah mata bilah. Ya Allah, Tuhan sekalian alam.

Just a thought.

2011-03-17T04:04:00.000-07:00

HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

(save all the heartaches and headaches and all the aches one could think of...)

I'm supposed to read on Biology.

Do that Maths exercise.

Finish up those Econs graphs.

IB-bank Chemistry.

Do them.

sadfnjshfjdbvdfvhfbvjdfbvjhf

SCREW IT.

How does it feel like to be in a relationship?

I think I've forgotten. Looking back, all my past dramas were DRAMAS. Not to mention pelik, because the guys were egotistical, too complicated, too insecure, too strangling, too.. urgh. And the same things to be said to me as well.

When I don't love you, I never do. But once I did, I really do. And when things started to not work out.. thats the point right there when I don't know where to go. I guess I need a guy who can point me to the right direction (at least have a fair sense of direction lah kan), right there at that very turn.

I guess that's why I'm this. Ada, adalah. Tak ada, tak ada lah. Total admission to God, when no man can provide such reassurance. Just a thought, baby. Just a thought.

Berdikari?

2011-03-15T04:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, berdikari. I'm aware of how this decision came about. I made it, and I'm going to prove my point.

Someone asked me this morning in Formspring,

"What would you understand by the word 'mature'?"

That's definitely an eye-opener (since I've been waking up late lately hehe); and so I answered him;

"Anything worthy that makes a man. When you're aware that the world doesn't revolve around you, and be able to sort out judgments. I guess."

Looking back at it, it IS that crisp and easy. I'm not one who believes maturity comes only with age, even if it does help. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough myself, there's lots of things about me I haven't yet discovered. It comes naturally, I guess. You're ready when you're ready. But let's not make excuses, shall we? Like many other things, there's a part of it we can control. There's a few things I'd like to do now, though. Take life one step at a time. Enjoy the little things. The ideal idea of maturity; the mocked composure, the controlled steps? Screw them. Trust me, there are times when you just have to walk into puddles and trashes in pretty pink dresses. Who told you life will keep you happy? It won't baby, it won't. That's the reason why it's such a beauty. You wouldn't find 'happy' in the vocabulary list of a good traveler's dictionary. No matter what you religion is, or your beliefs, or your faith; trust me on this - life's a make believe persona. Birth is never the beginning, and death is not an ending. And I'm a young, humbled traveler; ready to take it all in.

And yet, I'm so absorbed in my preparation for final IB exam. It's nothing more than a tiny little pebble (the one if I am to be tripped, will certainly trample my right leg and make my travel much more interesting).

Truth is,

2011-03-07T03:21:00.001-08:00

I miss you. I just have a weird way of showing it. It's like my cerebrum's sending mixed up nerve signals all over the place.

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argh.

2011-03-06T06:46:00.001-08:00

Social victims!

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Snippets.

2011-03-05T03:53:00.001-08:00

'To see the world in a grain of sand, and the heaven in a wild flower; hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour.' - W. Blake

Those little things in life. Heh. Funny how things are moving at the speed of light. Not wanting to miss on anything? Buckle your seat belts; we're going for a ride. I think IB'd screwed my head with too many philosophies; most of them dysfunctional. Well. The big, fat IB monster's going to run amok soon. You don't wanna miss the fun. Chiao.

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Beauty, behold!

2011-03-04T07:03:00.001-08:00

Take your time in knowing a person. Find beauty in them, rekindle the sparks they hold within. You shall see there's more to them than meets the eye. For this lifetime, IB, we're reaching the anti-climax phase. Hold your breath, everyone.

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IDONTWANNACOUNT.

2011-01-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

Writing, to me; is like playing a piano for you. Or making cross-stitches. Or making an artful design with wires. Or perhaps eating char kuey tiaw with chopsticks. You don't really think, do you? You just do it. I'm at home now, and savoring every minute of it. I went to Dr. Mohan's clinic this afternoon for my second hep b shot and to get some medication for my cough and flu. It got real bad last night when I threw up, ah finally. Kind of anticipating it, 'cause it'd been building up for quite some time. And oh, I was in the same flight with Nick last night, so I got some company waiting for the boarding time. Which, reminds me of my unfinished viewing over A-Team and my next schedule of some 50 bucks worth of medication and what-nots. Crap. I've got some messed up timelines.

I hate it when I do this. Reviewing my day like some kind of a set up machine. But that's just what I did, so I'd do better to suck it all up and accept it. Oh well, it'd been awhile since I last took a pause from this heavy IB-ride and enjoy some human moments. While waiting for Dr. Mohan, I read Farley's Seven Tears into the Sea, a 279-pages book, square, thin and tiny. I guess I've read too much of e-books that I'd forgotten how good real books feel like between my fingers. The smell of parchment, the yellowish glow of its surface hit by rays of sun - these little things simply awed me. I might be overthinking, but it's a good feeling. I've a Biology design due next Tuesday, but I really don't feel like doing it now. Tomorrow's a word made for children and losers, they say; but yeah, how bad can they get? Oh, I love talking to Dr. Mohan; he treated me, talked to me as an equal.

"We're sending the better ones to RCSI, only the better ones," - Pn. Fauziah, the co-councillor.

The better ones huh, tercabar jugak lah. Her words had been repeating themselves over and over again for the past few weeks, and it's pumping me up to my core, mannn. I AM gonna be the better one, I'll make sure of that Insha-Allah. Now, what I had in mind is that I'm gonna grab that 38 points and apply for it. Once I got it, I'll take it as a sign from Him that I'm indeed capable, worthy of that institution. As tough as it is to graduate from there, they told me I'm gonna be a really good doctor if I actually did. So I was told. I'm not a riffraff, and I'm not a dreamer. My dad knows me, and he knows how much I've wanted it since I was a child and he asked me to go on. My mum just asked me not to be disappointed if I don't get it. No I'm not gonna. A little, perhaps, but I won't dwell. Have I told you Irish Universities had limit their quota up to 35 only for us the KMB applicants? Perhaps not. But yes they had. My interview went well, but everybody else was, too. Faith is not the only thing I have left - too early for me to claim otherwise. I've got hard work and strength, and a free spirit. Four months, baby. Four months can offer you anything, even miracles. I've seen miracles flying in and out before my eyes, and I've seen them wasted (can you call them miracles if they're wasted?). If there's such a thing.

I'm supposed to eat my pills after dinner. I've had two sandwiches and a hot cup of tea at 11pm, was that a dinner? One way or another, I gotta take my pills. Chiao.

-117

2011-01-08T08:18:00.001-08:00

"It's better to let go and see if they come back, then to keep holding on and see if they let go." - Anonymous.

It speaks for itself. No logic needed, just have a heart.

It's a long day today, and I stayed indoor. Reactivated my Facebook for awhile due to Zuckerberg's warning to block me unless I straighten out the mess I started with the email thing. Without Facebook, I felt like a useful human being, a help to myself somehow. Haha I wonder. As I lay on my bed this morning, entahlah but these two stories just flashed into my mind - The Two Jewels of Coelho's Like the Flowing River, & The Fortune Fountain(?) of The Tales of Beedle the Bard. Interestingly enough, both carry perfectly opposite approach to this one particular concept of Life as we know it; Love - Lost and Found. Bookworms, go wiggle your way out of the soil and find a good book to read, for real.

Speaking of Coelho, he might be a bit preachy; but I guess there's a preacher within each and every one of us. The difference? He writes and conveys, we listen; no matter how different the paths we walked on.

p/s : Hey Kaleidoscope. You reminded me I'm being read. Ah well, we all put our little hearts on display over here, say hello to new civilisation. :)

-118

2011-01-07T16:14:00.001-08:00

"Maka kerana Tuhanmu, bersabarlah." - Al-Mudassir : 7

The Friday Usrah was conducted by the Year 1s, quite entertaining. Ah well, i lost around rm200 twice last year, and i just recovered one of the 200 in my locker. There's a balance to everything. Allah Maha Adil, we know that. But what we don't realise sometimes, Adil Dia bukan Adil kita. The intensity's different. Everything's a part of a whole; and what we did, we'll do to ourselves. The joy wasn't felt without no reason. The pain suffered wasn't felt without no reason. Hence, take caution. Rejoice in giving more than accepting.

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-119

2011-01-06T09:19:00.001-08:00

"Ini bukan masa untuk merana. Ini masa untuk berlumba." - Pn. Noraini

"I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." - Switchfoot

"It's all coming back to me now." - Celine Dion

"You need to take things less seriously, Ain. *gedeguk!*" - Nabilah

A few crucial points of my life for today. Nicely wrapped up with a worthy topic of ceramah, and my best friend's crazy antics. I wish I had a videocam built in me or something. I'll never be getting today back :( (but I believe there's more to come hehe!)

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-120

2011-01-05T16:33:00.001-08:00

"A problem's like a spring. You step on it, and you'll jump further away. Higher, much higher." - Nadd.

Words, wise words. I'll never have enough of it.

Some people came to my room last night, and it was a hell of a fun. I enjoyed their company and I'll serve them tea if I have a teacup. The only downer being the pms-ed officer, every other thing had a good start so far. She's in serious need of some pills mannn. Chill. I couldn't be more grateful, but respect's gonna get us moving, not fear.

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SEM IV Post-Prologue

2011-01-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

A letter I received, welcoming me for all the things that'll come ahead; a warm embrace from a dear little friend.

Dear Ain,

Welcome to the Fourth Semester. KMB has been a lifetime of its own, and it’s gonna end here. That’s exaggerated, but you know it’s not as big a bubble as you think it is. Your WHOLE life is depending on it, baby. No one’s gonna care whether you slept or not the entire night, whether you’ve eaten decent meals for the day; no one. All they gonna say, all they gonna do, is to judge every single effort you make by a single result – IB 2011’s. Hence do what you have to do. You’re nearing 20, you should know well enough by now what actions should be taken and what’s not. But like any other kid, I guess you need a little bit of reminding. Study hard, baby. Just don’t give a damn. At the end, it’s YOUR freaking life, not any others’. You know who you are. You know you couldn’t be happy with what you’re doing unless you know you actually WORK hard for it. Study smart. Find the most effective way of doing things. You know your strength, play with it. You know your weaknesses, tackle it, and turn it to your own advantage. Go and ask the teachers for anything you did not understand; it’s not a waste of time. Be polite to the teachers. Smile, and thank them every time. It’s knowledge they’re passing, you owe them that. Be true to them, and if necessary, just tell them what the hell your problem is with the things they taught. As in the matter of heart, shut the negative things away. Whatever brings sorrow to you, forget it in an instant. That’s important. Don’t dwell. Savor the moment; you’re not getting it back. It’s now or never. But if it in any way hurts you, or pained you, forget it. Don’t let things get at you for now. You need to have a clear mind. Well don’t be completely barbaric; you’re not gonna shut it away, no. Shutting your heart on something’s like shutting a window of a poorly-ventilated house. Just hold it for now. Be happy with whomever you’re with, baby. Be happy with them. Don’t give up on your day just for one FREAKING incident. For all you know, it’s no big deal. You’re thinking on it too much – and it’s not even worth it. Stay out of fights, be understanding. Whenever you feel pissed off with someone, or something, just take a deep breath okay? And yes, things gonna be okay. You’ll make out of this IB thing alive, and have a happy ending. Every story does, and yours is of no exception. You just need to DO your thing. And be humble to Allah. He’s the God you believe in, and the God for all things you believed in. He can be exclusive if you choose for it that way and He can be not. You have worked hard enough up till this point, but really, this path has been laid out by Him. He knows you gonna do it this way, that way; and He grants you in a deserving way. It’s basically what you do, baby. Do it, and you’ll get it. That’s the rule of the Universe, with only one exception – if you don’t get what you want, it’s only because you’ve underestimated your own self, and hence better things are in line. This isn’t some pick-up line trying to make you feel better, like some people might assume it is. I can’t tell you that’s the truth either, ‘cause we have to reach the end of this whole waka-waka thing to figure it out, haven’t we? But it’s a pity not to have faith in some things, things like this. And try; try speaking only of the good things; anything but lies and deceit. Be honorable, be good. Be patient. Be true.

Goodluck Ain.

SEM IV Prologue

2011-01-02T06:04:00.000-08:00

Hey there everyone. Assalamualaikum.

I don't wanna mention "It'd been a while now", but yes it has.

I'll deactivate my Facebook account in 24-hours time, till the end of IB, that's May 2011; InsyaAllah I'll be there.

Until then, they'll be embedded here - emotions, thoughts, ideas, fears, anxiety (saving the hassle of your news feeds with moronic statuses).

My mind is a scary place to be, wondrous. Might be harmless, but it really depends on how far you would wanna dwell with it.

Suit yourself.

My purpose of writing is not to satisfy you, nor to make you get me.

Rather, just to write, write in every plain sense of the word.

So tadaa. Or what Dumbledore would've said, "Twit-pip."

Sem IV, the final semester. I can't play strong and deny that it gives me goosebumps. It's high time I'm giving you another chance to accompany me in this great journey, Niffirania. I've abandoned you long enough. Hot and cold.

Let's take IB down, for good.

Remember the people. Their faces, their very acts.

"Life's a stage, and we're the actors; all dressed up to play."

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

#12345678910

2011-01-01T10:04:00.001-08:00

You'll be suprise to know how much people need telling of who they are; or should we say, what they seem to be. I'm of no exception to that. Just out of curiousity sometimes. Or rather, we just need some hints. Whether it has any meaning or has not, isn't really much of a question for those who got no clue of what they truly are. Heh, is there such a thing, even? As for me, judge; judge as you may. 'cause your judgement defines you. Not me. :)

p/s : Thanks to those who'd answered. Not everything is overrated, don't worry.

My faith in honesty is as unshaken as ever.

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balik RUMAH.

2010-09-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'm going back. The 'best' aren't the things you always get, but what you do with the things you have. I'm dreading everything about kmb. This second part of the holiday suits me well and fair. I know what I'm doing, I love what I'm doing. I cook, play with this and that, sleep, eat, read, sometimes just swim and swim. i sort of know tomorrow's just gonna be like today, or the day before. tapi kmb lain kan. im enjoying the sense of surprise everywhere, but yeah. too much cant be good though i think. but heck, theres plenty of things to look forward to punn. ive always like the sunday nights, right after rollcalls. thats when u catch up with friends. i knw a few that'll make me smile just by looking at them, hahaha. im counting on that. well, theres always things that makes life there bearable, less inhuman. makes everything seem perfectly okay. and theres just days which you can't think of any better place to be. there's days. dont let anyone mess this up for you. most importantly, not yourself. Seek help, with Patience and Prayer. Ingat tu cik kak.

Sayang

2010-09-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

Sayangku EE,

SIAPPPPPPPPPPPPP jugak ko ni kan, hehe.

Fuhh, lega gila. Ni bukan riak haa, ni saje nak cerita kat blog sendiri. Terima je la orang syok sendiri ni yer hehe. Penat wo. Dari bulan berapa orang buat niii.. at 5.17am, 17th sept tadi baru nak complete. Well, not the completeeee complete bleh hantar kat ibo terus lahhh. Just the completed first draft. Tu pun dah 7000++. Bergegar urat saraf tulis banyak2 ni. Aaaaa mane azan subuh ni..karang tertidur trus karang.. T.T

Alhamdulillah. Thanks Ya Rabb. Thank You so much! For being there throughout the whole thing. Please remain till it's all over. I need You.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-e.

2010-09-15T04:02:00.000-07:00

Tengah stress buat EE ni. Slow betul progress. Gerak macam tak gerak. Bukan selalu stress macam ni, niii. Haihh. Sabar je la kan. Slow slow pun, atleast buat la jugak.

(nak total ecliiiiiipssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, tak kireeeeeeeeeeeeeee nak jugakkkk. with strawberry topping, whipped cream, single cherry and sprinkled with chocolate rice. ape barang CS dah out of stock!)

Pening dengan ee sikit, bukak facebook. Pening sikit, bukak facebook. Macamane lah kerja nak habis?

vthrhgtjhe

2010-09-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first."

— Jim Morrison

Infinite Worth?

2010-09-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

Hey.

It had been a long time. Wonder why am I starting over? Because I choose to. When you can see neither head nor tail of things, that's when you decide to take a step backward, getting out of the line in order to make sense of things. It felt like being injected with anesthesia everytime you were eased from the pain. Numbing ; then it resumed all over again once the effect had worn out. The problem with me is that I care too much. The problem with you is that you take things for granted. Do you know what was the saddest part of it all? You didn't fight for it, at all. As if nothing, not any of it was even worth fighting for.

Through Glass.

2010-09-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

I'm looking at you through the glass

Don't know how much time has passed

Oh God, it feels like forever

But no one ever tells you that forever

Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question

But I forget, you don't expect an easy answer

When something like a soul becomes

Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes

You can't expect a bit of hopes

So while you're outside looking in

Describing what you see

Remember what you're staring at is me

How much is real? So much to question

An epidemic of the mannequins

Contaminating everything

When thought came from the heart

It never did right from the start

Just listen to the noises

(Null and void instead of voices)

Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene

Remember it's just different from what you've seen

And it's the stars, the stars

That shine for you

And it's the stars, the stars

That lie to you.

dah.

2010-05-29T22:48:00.000-07:00

I'm done with pathetic posts. :D

Leaving JB for leeya's place tomorrow, and then Langkawi the day after!

I haven't packed. Ugh.

I wanna make myself useful laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Something reflective? - Personal Statement, or Cambodia Project's? Or something technical, EE, TOK or Worldlit? Danggg. Kemalasan mengulit diri. Hambik kau.

Next week mmg burn habes la jalan2 semua. Tht leaves me with the final, 3 rd week. I want my last two days to be nothing but relaxingggg! So that leaves me with appx 4 days only. Great. Greattttttttt. -.-"

Someone gotta bring me out today. I want ice-cream.

Carpe Diem.

2010-05-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

With this, Uncle Kracker Smiles.

Hurm.. few things happened. I was on the phone with Nabilah last night and it felt good. Went to watch Prince of Persia and that's awesomeeee. Had a nice family dinner at Johnny's, and that, too, was fulfilling. Bought a decor mag for a few ideas on how to deal with our new home and dad told me to just pick my choice. And I got his promise for a new perfume, too, so well, at least I got something to look forward to before the idea of kmb kicks in - even if it's something reaaaally trivial as a teeny weeny perfume. Even as I'm writing, well typing this, it struck me what on earth is exactly still making me unhappy.

Something happened - and voila, it made me feel like this. I guess what had happened brought back the memories a little.. no matter how much I've recovered and told myself everything relating to this belongs to nothing but the past, and that's the only rightful place it must reside; it always come down to the same old thing. And it's pathetic to see how the tiny bubbles that had shamelessly evaporated being poked mercilessly by the reality - and you found out that you're no longer dreaming. It belongs to someone else now, handled with care and content; and you're still here, alone and unwind. You boasted, you bragged. You think you're fine with it, but it's eating you inside out. And this whole thing is actually teaching you a lesson, but you are simply too ignorant to bother. You think you know how to live your live well. You know what's right, and what's wrong. What's decent, what's honourable. What's noble. You said you lived on 'Carpe Diem', but for heaven's sake, you don't live by it at all. Listen to your heart, and you'll realise. You know it all along, but it's clouded. And now.. what you can do is to just see. Happiness of others, when it could be your own. The happiness which you refuse to grasp, and it fled away now, to others who knows better to embrace it in a much more deserving way.

Deep, I know. But if this is meant only for you to understand, so be it.

everything happens for a reason, huh?

Carpe Diem!

Chapter Review I

2010-05-22T05:51:00.000-07:00

Fancy seeing You here again, after quite a long time.

It feels just like a blink of an eye. This whole thing. And now, another semester has ended. Hmm. It reminds me of the words my bestfriend had said - our life is very much like the chapters in a storybook; when one part finishes, another part starts. And, like always, the last line would not necessarily be the finishing line.

You had been a part of my life back then - to whom I poured out my emotions, my anxieties into words. Well I guess I've learned to live without all that now.To not be writing in here doesn't mean nothing happened. My life lived..the dices rolled..the coins tossed. And often, I lost. But it doesn't mean it's a life less lived, it doesn't make the world less fair. Luck doesn't have to be on my side all the time. God does. And the thought of it makes everything bearable.

Semester Two had been quite a ride. At one point at a time, it felt so mashed up. So many things to deal with, to keep up with I nearly lost myself. Exaggerations here and there I felt so surreal. One beautiful midnight gave me an answer. As I walked across the field, looking at the sky above and see the majestic ceiling of The Earth - how little it made me feel. The other side of the Universe I might never know of might be staring at me in awe..there's so many things I do not know..the different dimensions of lives stay undiscovered..and yet I am so deeply occupied with all the things on the ground; drained, disturbed, bothered, with everything that had made my life bigger than it seems. As I left Love in the dark, it caught me for a while how I could let that be. But I know he could take care of himself. I hadn't stop questioning - now I doubt it whether I need to even ask, at the first place. I believe in having faith.. was I truthfully being faithful from the start? Sometimes, certain things don't need reasons. Sometimes, not all answers need questions.

And oh..life taught me certain lessons - of devotion, of loyalty. Of how you were turned down several times, and you yourself deciding to just forget and walk away, then found yourself standing on the exact same spot, forgiving. Well you can't help but to question what the heck happened that made you stayed, but just like I said - not all answers need questions. You just did. Relentlessly, you decide to persevere. And I guess I know just exactly what that held me back.

Exams. One thing about exam is that it drives you nuts. All you want to do is to just stop and sleep on it, but you know you need to get going. And for what exactly?

One mental note though..plug in your headset when you're studying, Ain. Any external disturbance causing an emotional resonance will make you read and reread the same line for an hour or so. At the end of the hour, all you've got is some water attempting to deflame the fire. Not too bad, though eh?

Friendships walking on a fine thread. Friendships cuddled, friendships flawed. You resonated emotions not of your own. The sense of belonging misused.. overturned. Seeing a few falling apart before your own eyes, catching your own with a slippery fingers of a weak grasp. At the end of the day it's not about 'keeping' it real. It's about being yourself, loving and giving without hoping for any in return. Pretty impossible.. but that's the rule. Well, pieces of your heart got shattered and broken along the way.. but a stitched up heart showed how much you suffered AND recovered. Better than a perfect-looking one don't you think?

I wanna write more on this 'chapter', but.. well let's just say I'll see you soon XD

:)

2010-05-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

IT HAD BEEN AGES SINCE MY LAST POST.

I'M SOOO GONNA WRITE AGAIN.

but it ain't gonna be now. hehe Happy Holidays XD

neversaynever.

2010-04-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

"Picture, you're the queen of everything

Far as the eye can see under your command

I will be your guardian when all is crumbling

I'll steady your hand."

picture.

Emotion?

2010-04-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

There's something unusual that night..

Moon shone brightly, but it's not her beauty which fulfill me. I dreamt, falling in and out of sleep, but I kept remembering to return back, embracing the reality I used to be in denial of. And it kept on getting better every time. To not be able to stop, to forever wanting to feel. Figuring out that that's all needed, actually.

My Starfish Story.

2010-03-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

I

I breathe in
this sandy air
feeling the wood
beneath my foot
with this dim light i write
of words with might.

II

Sunlight is pouring its ray today
showing the way
giving hope it may
to these people
people of Khmer.

We came
We saw

Of lives so low
of faces never know
what life could've been
what life should've been.

I came
I saw

of little souls shouting for more
of little feet scrambling for sweets

Running in dirt
breathing in dust.

III

Hearts I couldn't feel
tears I couldn't shed

Of dusty pavements
and sandy roads

Of cows and goats
scarves and shawls

I'm asking you now,
What do you seek?

Young lady, can you even see
the worth of life you've foreseen?

IV

A person is like stained-glass window.

It shines and sparkles
when the sun is out;
but when the darkness sets in..

true beauty is revealed only when there is light from within.

V

She is silk so fine
Milk against wine.

to look upon
is to wish,
hope on

She is centuries of history
years of tragedy
beauty of ancestry
oh why,
oh why.

VI

Black veil upon my eyes
slipping across the skies
the skies of the last
Juminik's evening lies.

? - trying to make life less miserable.

This is my starfish story.

mememememe.

2010-03-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

addicted to mentos mint. thinks mentos rainbow sucks cz it's too sugary and crappy.
i slept siang tadi then mimpi pak lan. i said HI PAK LANNNNN! dalam bas and lepas bangun baru ingat ade one email dia i haven't reply. That's why he appeared in my dream kot, haha.
I have few dates to be remembered.. 28th March, and 6th April - ingat!
Tadi karok dgn kathy, hahahaha
Want new contacts and new glasses. -.-"
Dreading SEM 2 exam.
loves her besties.
sleepy.
bored.
longing.

P/S : can't u see how bored i could be.

Departure.

2010-03-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

Going off to Cambodia.

Excited and in anticipation.

Done with packing, and now I'm relaxed.
Embracing K3G, :)

Thankyou, Sender.

p/s : Doakan kami selamat pergi, selamat kembali. :)

Untuk Perempuan.

2010-03-06T20:08:00.001-08:00

Jangan mengejarnya jangan mencarinya

Dia yang kan menemukanmu

Kau mekar di hatinya

Di hari yang tepat.

Tidaklah mawar hampiri kumbang

Bukanlah cinta bila kau kejar

Tenanglah tenang dia kan datang

Dan memungutmu ke hatinya yang terdalam

Bahkan dia takkan bertahan tanpamu

Sibukkan harimu jangan fikirkannya

Takdir yang kan menuntunnya

Pulang kepada mu

Di hari yang tepat

Dia yang kan datang.

- S07.

What If?

2010-02-22T19:13:00.000-08:00

What if there was no time

..and no reason or rhyme

What if you should decide

That you don't want me there.

What if I got it wrong?

..and no poem or song

Could put right what I got wrong,

Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide

That you don't want me there.

Let's take a breath, jump over the side.

How can you know it if you don't even try?

Every

step

that you take

Could be your biggest mistake

It could bend or it could break

But that's the risk that you take

What if you should decide

That you don't want me there.

Let's take a breath jump over the side

You know that darkness always turns into light.

From Ain to Ain.

2010-02-14T09:29:00.000-08:00

..and finally. The reasons were unveiled, crushing down the self-made wall my consciousness had constructed, out of confusion and denials.

I didn't even know it was the 14th. It wasn't even planned. What did it matter anyways? Allah Almighty had His own way, for sure, of showing things. A pleasant twist it was, insecurity still creeping in with the promise of a threat - of slight fling, of a mere dream.

Today the sky was pretty blue. The sun was kind, the clouds were a puffy smoke, sailing through the midst of nothingness. I looked up, set my eyes upon the vast of blue, attempting to penetrate its depth. I felt the fluttering wings of my own heart. I can hear its steady beat within me - feeling more alive that I had ever been for months now. The tiny thread of faith had proven itself to be worthy after all, with it I clung without knowing.

How long will this last?

The warmth, the sense of fulfillment and contentment of having to live, at all.

Thanks.

: I

2010-02-08T06:17:00.000-08:00

I UNDERSTAND.

Beauty.

2010-02-03T17:30:00.000-08:00

Too beautiful to be true.

Too fragile, broken it might be upon my touch.

Like butterflies, like rainbow.

Wonderful, but untouchable.

Beyond reach, beyond claim.

Who am I to own?

A mere bystander on a winding road.

Giving in, giving out.

Reaching in, reaching out.

What's there to seek upon?

All the time I wanted.

All the space I needed.

But to feel is to let it flow,

to let it known.

Journey VII

2009-12-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

PART A.

A post from a Friend, to a Friend. (and yes, we never have enough of each other hahahaha)

Reasons why I love Aen:

1. Her mom makes the wickedest kuih lapis Sarawak. I've never had anything more delicious than this, and surprisingly my vividest memory of us together is when we were in your room, Aen and you were picking off the mould from the cakes so we can still eat the good parts. :D

2. She dedicated a paragraph about me in her blog and so I quote: "NAJAH! dia iniiii.. dia and kak syu were my roommate tumpang back in f4, when they're, well, form fives. she's random. VERY THE. aww ;) mane amusing musings skrg.. post la. huhu. Sisterhood of the Travelling Musings, haha. i love her. she spoilt me alot. she sent me off masa last day f4, and uh. at one moment, i wondered how i'll survive my senior year without her, kak syu and kak dija. najah, dgr la ni. bace la. despite ur randomness and ur big words, ure still pretty comprehensible for me and omgggg i missyouuuuu :(((("
Darling, I'm not random anymore (I'll elaborate on this in a later post). 'Amusing Musings' is now with either Syu or Farah I can't recall, but I suspect the former. And you managed beautifully without us :) and I miss you more!

3. And she wrote my name in CAPITAL LETTERS! (see quote in paragraph number 2)

4. She was a heavy influence on my F5 playlist, I still have the video of us three singing along to SO7's Kisah Klasik. :) She introduced me to Mocca & Corinne Bailey Ray's Like a Star (like her).

5. She's just her, Aen. Vulnerable yet strong, very independent. A person who knows what she wants. I've always known that you're made for something great so go make it happen alright. :)

You bring all the good memories of debate back to me. Be careful as to never let anything kill you yes? (especially college). And you're entitled to reblog this. AND BRAG ABOUT THIS DEPAN SYU HAHAHA.

- KAK SYUUUU! SEE THIS? SHE LOVES ME MORE, SEE! haha. Najah, well said. I'd give you a tight ENORMOUS teddy bear hug if you're here. No worries, we'll do just fine. Only time can tell when we'll be seeing each other again, but till then, there's always Facebook. (Check your Live Feed for me okayh, hehe)

PART B.

What would you do if this one particular thought fills your head? Nothing but that. It floats, it floods. It made your pillows a muffler, it twirls you in your own blanket at night. It numbs your pain, it makes you laugh. You do not need sleep, it keeps you alive. Every single, small detail matters. And your heart sees what eyes couldn't.

I'd say - a complete cuckoo, indeed, isn't it? Creepy.

Journey VI - The Rindu List

2009-12-23T09:28:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum.

Okay, it's 24th Dec, I know. Barely 2 weeks left for college, I knoww. Less and less time for holiday, and this so-called free time should've been enjoyed to the max; I KNOWWWWW - but I MISS MY FRIENDS.

Tau tak tadi pegi spent time the whole day from 1pm till 7pm kat CS JB tuuuuu tengok Avatar yang sumpah best, beli wedges pastu popcorn ngan pepsi yang LARGE combo tuh yang last-last tak habes tuh plus SEJUK GILER dlm cinema terpaku kat seat tengok the Omaticayans flew flawlessly dengan Ikran masing-masing the dalam hati cakap nak satu boleh tak, pastu gi 'window shopping' la sangat, last-last ended up beli jugak satu top like wth -.-" yea it seemed pretty much interesting huh kan, except for the part that I was all alone. ceh, rase macam pathetic pulak tibe-tibe. No, seriously. I felt that way.

Ugh. You see, I just moved in here. JB feels painfully, awfully foreign for me. I have no friends nearby, none at all. well yea, so i went here and there, eating whatever i desired, buying whatever i wanted. fine, it made me happy for a while, but not for long. balik rumah, Hamka ade tuition la blahblahblah, ma ngan ayah, well; they are always around, but i practically went straight into my bedroom, so yeah. alaa cane ha nk cakap. my parents ok jer, dorang yang ajak turun downstairs makan sama-sama and stuff, ajak keluar and yadayada, and im okay with it, but entah. it's not the sameee. rase macam.. ugh. i just need someone here, around me. someone like a friend. like a sister or something. someone i can lepak with in my bedroom with me - someone i can smack with my pillow or something, shriek over some guys, stalked the entire blogosphere with, or eat junks with, or sing songs, or, or or wtv! sumpah sunyi seh. T.T

Okay. So here it goes; this is totally, totally random okay - my girlfriends whom i toooootally adore, who came up into my life, be my coolest bunch of partners-in-crime, and those who were pretty much sisters to me -

kak Annaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa; still ur Lilo here huh, remember. Ni la, teman sejati zaman-zaman scooter-ish ku dahulu. ahaks.

IJMs people - u know who u girls are; kalau nak story, tak dapatnye nak story sorang2. satu clan pun tau, hahaha. zie.. eka.. sobs. :( kuyaaa

Meera. Sayang ini budak :) Haih.

Kak Syuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu; Aaaaa. Dia niii, dgn dia la saat2 genting dkt2 nak spm uh. hers la. ingat tak revise sejarah malam nak periksa tu, hahaha. spm kott! kat apartmen lak tu, hahaha. ingat tak how u smacked my pillows, then u jumped up and down my bed pukul 2 pagi and we taped it but somehow i dunno where the recorded vid tu skrg. grrr. and how we belasah pokok palma dpn tangga nak lekat2 kat kertas minyak birthday najah tuh, haha. and how u pinjam-ed my track bottom and my shirt andddd my bag for ur santai spm thing, and people thought it was me? and how we tergolek-golek depan tangga for a reason not to be told hereeeee, haha. I MISS YOU!

Kak Dija! Ngeee. Orang ingat lagi, i thought ure sgt strict. Ketattttt. aww, i was wrong. u are totally sweeeeeet, naive sedikit, dan gelabah juge. u and kak syu make a good mixture, hahhaa

NAJAH! dia iniiii.. dia and kak syu were my roommate tumpang back in f4, when they're, well, form fives. she's random. VERY THE. aww ;) mane amusing musings skrg.. post la. huhu. Sisterhood of the Travelling Musings, haha. i love her. she spoilt me alot. she sent me off masa last day f4, and uh. at one moment, i wondered how i'll survive my senior year without her, kak syu and kak dija. najah, dgr la ni. bace la. despite ur randomness and ur big words, ure still pretty comprehensible for me and omgggg i missyouuuuu :((((

Fatso. Fatsie. Fatin. WTV. Wannurfatin, she's the most loyal. Kan fats kan. You're the most selfless friend one can ever have. I can always turn to you, one thing i'm sure of. My roommate in f5. Hah. Macamane la, see. how fate twisted itself? I DONT KNOW YOU in f4. now, u are the closest to huggable teddy bear for me. Remember when i told u about *ehem* him? When i told you, if the person is gonna ended up being you, then only it'll be acceptable for me. mainly because, it's YOU. i'll hand him over, willingly, to you. hahahahaha

Liyana Athirah Ruzaimi, well well welllllllllllll. If it werent for you, calling me on my way to board the plane that sunny day, heh. we might not know where we stand now, cehh. ;D leya, do i really need to say more? you ARE my check and balance. eventhough u and fats werent really successful in dragging me to basketball court back in langkawi and now kmb, well. u gv me quite a few reasons why bein fit, and exercising, are important. so u contribute to my futsal career lah my dear, hahahhaha. lawak giler do. but it cannot lawan that time when my mum called u, hahaha freaky that was. but hey, remember when we were in tl13 with sri and fats. our pillowtalk - the three of you, u guys are my sisters for life. huhu.

Nabilah Aziz. Haaaaa. Her. The girl who took the shortest time to be my favourite. :) One second we were strangers, and another - there u got it. ERR I have no idea how it happened, but almost everything fell into place as i got to know her. Ntah, baru berapa bulan jer, rase mcm dah kenal lamaaaaaaaaa. she sort of know whats in my head! even those that i dont really want anyone, or her, to know. but im getting used to it, so.. XD. die ni macam mak kadang-kadang, garanggg. Sometimes macam kakak, protective. Sometimes macam adik, ngegeh(?), haha. It feels weird not having her around, now. Rindu bangunkan awak pagi-pagi. Rindu awak panggil kite Nyenn Nyennn tuuu hahaha. T.T iloveyou missy. and u know i really mean it.

Well.. pheww. I didnt intend this post to be THIS long, but heck, wtv, like i care. :D

These people above, are very, very dear to me. Some of them, I would even take bullets for. As much as I'm concern, they are family as much as they are my friends. Eventhough not all of them are around me, right now, some even i lost contact with - well, when they came into my life, and then we grew close.. everytime each of them leave, it feels like there's a part of me missing. Empty.

ugh.

imy.

ily.

Journey V

2009-12-20T07:33:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum.

Sitting on the couch, munching slices of cold pear, and a cup of hot tea beside me. VCD 'Cinta' awaits on the little table, a midnight movie, soon to be watched. Hmm. At complete ease.

Takde benda sgt ni, nak cerita je. Holidays, ugh, mulut tak pandai nak stop mengunyah, boleh tak? Huhu. It became a habit dah. So what I did was to cut little, very little, slices of pear and ate them up, sampai puas mengunyah. Hehe. Dah berapa malam dah dua mangkuk pear tu kena telan. Nasib baik buah. Huhu. Dugaan kot, depan mata ni ada Twisties la.. Kacang Menglembu la.. Ayam Goreng la.. sebut je ape nak. Not that I'm ungrateful, but mau tak gemuk cuti ni karang. Baring sikit, tidur. Lagi la. But hey, nama pun Holidays kan?

Banyak nak cerita. Esok la. Nak tengok Cinta - dengan Twisties. Nyummay :D

Journey IV

2009-12-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

If a heart has lines,

it'll curve a smile.

If a heart can sing,

it'll sing me a beautiful lullaby.

If a heart can blossom,

it'll be a rose.

If a heart can speak,

it'll be the words of.... shh. Listen.

Journey III

2009-12-18T07:18:00.001-08:00

MY SINCEREST APOLOGY.

I am so sorry.

This distance, is needed.

This ignorance, is crucial.

This silence, is the key.

This pain, is a healer of its own nature.

One day you, you and you; will understand.

Do not wait.

Journey II

2009-12-14T08:07:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum.

Wahai sahabat,

Resah si rasa bersalah, gundah si kasih. Kata tidak mungin terucap, tutur mustahil berbicara. Yang diingin tidak akan mengetahui, yang mengingin merintih simpati. Ketahuilah, tangan ini terikat. Kaki ini terpasung ke bumi. Masa penyembuh setia, jadikanlah Dia peneman selamanya. Tetapkan hatimu, betulkan nawaitumu. Aku tetap aku. Di sini menunggu, tetapi untuk siapa, bibir akan tetap terkunci beku. Sahabat, perit ini pasti berlalu. Tetapi sampai masa itu menjengah, abdikan dirimu untuk yang Satu. Maaf, dan salam persaudaraan selamanya.

Journey I

2009-12-13T04:02:00.000-08:00

Assalamualaikum.

One semester has ended. How fast time leaped, how many had changed? Past few months had witnessed transitions - of ups and downs, tears and laugh, love and lies. And so many times something tapped on my dear little heart, hoping to be given an entry, and so many times in return, I replied back a refusal, unconsciously doing so. As desert in droughts, I felt as dry as that. I'm thirsty, but no water can satisfy me. It's like looking for something in the dark, how am I supposed to find it without any light? I know I couldn't, even with my eyes wide open. Syahadatul Haq - the night where it bottled up, where everything came at once and tried to shove the truth in front of my pallid face. How much denial can I take? And how long must it take for me to actually realise? The pathway had been laid out in front of me, for me to walk on and knowing that this is the source of light I've been waiting for, to guide me through and to lead my hand. At first, I was dumbstruck. It was too heavy, too much of a weight for my weak shoulder to bear. Trying to contain the pool of water from streaming down - such a pride. Not wanting to let my guards down, not intending to let my weakness and guilt to show - even towards my Creator. What was I thinking, He knows me better than I do myself. I was cold and I was confused. I took a blanket and wrapped myself in warmth I did not know existed, and it kept the cold away, at least for one night. The next day was when I broke the silence, and that's when she came. As few seamless words escaped from my trembling lips, the pool of water was broken free. I spoke of my cold, frozen inside. I spoke of my guilt and of my sheer stupidity. I spoke of the tale of heart I kept for so long, in a language I knew she would understand, of all people. I knew she would not judge. I knew she would not cringed away from me. And yes, she didn't disappoint. And that made a big difference.

Inevitable.

2009-11-21T03:12:00.000-08:00

drawn into a mist

tangled within

the quest for a saviour

is it the old flame i longed for

the familiar warmth coiling down my spine

the forbidden tree of trouble

or is it you, dear little light,

burning yourself up in wax of silence

unreacheable by any

unseen by me

yet inevitably, glowing, living, inside -

turning the old flame into dust.

n1

2009-10-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

Strolling through the dark night

The pain doesn't seem right

To listen to heart's whispers

when silence is the only companion

Made the love a beautiful clarity

no other can compete

a getaway.

2009-10-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever feel of having so many to tell, yet you don't really know where to even start, so you'd be better off to not telling any at all?

Futsal & Kasukma, of Goals and Glove, SPR & Election, Mornings & Nights, Al-Insyiraah & Ad-Dhuhaa, Tests & Re-tests, Lab Practicals & Lab Practicals, You & You. How interesting my life had been.

Lately, I've been made to think and reflect about lots of things. To tolerate winning and losing, to know when to listen and when to actually speak. To not care, then regret it back. To respect differences and practise acceptance. To have faith in good deeds. To take a good look at hearts, not looks.

I'm not saying that I'm trying to be a saint.

World isn't about contemplation, it's action; one might say.

You can have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg; says another.

So does it matter to anyone if you take the time to think and reflect on your mistakes in an effort to be a better person? Will our actions be the only justification of who we truly are? Will there be no second chances at all?

Questions only a few will answer.

Well anyways. Back to the ground. It's another getaway for me, and it'd never feel this good. Ntahla, pening sikit minggu ni kot. Suka sangat tertinggal barang, ish ish ish, itulah, inilah. Tadi ade Excel meeting, and I've signed up for the 2nd Cambodia Trip. I know I wanted to do this, and surprisingly it's not too hard to convince the '2 Bosses'. I wasn't expecting that. Hehe. Maths and Econs were both accelerating at full speed, and I'm tagging along behind them in a not-so-composed manner. I actually went for afternoon futsal training not for CAS hours but for the fun of it.

Well, see? Ups and downs. And it happens all the time. :)

p/s : the 136th post, and knowing someone's counting along. :D

OH HI!

2009-09-25T03:42:00.001-07:00

So many to tell.. so little time.

Raya's cool. Not so much of duit raya this time around, but who cares?

Rombongan merisik datang esok.. tapi which teratai? haha.

Veeeeeerrryyyyy interesting experience of hospital attachment.

Went to O&G(Obst&Gynae)Dept., E&T (Emerg&Trauma), Orthopaedic, and Paediatric wards.

Alone, and barely 2-feet from full-fledged surgeons, MOs, and Housemen in OT for four operations;

Caesaerean operation - just a common one. the MO (med officer) was light and easy, dalam OT gelak2 je. She's nice to meeeeeeeeee.

Tubal Ligation (cut and tied fallopian tube) - this one was a little bit bizarre. cant tell here why. :S

laparoscopic surgery - four surgeons. modern technology, skills required, but a little bit dull. small incision je.

Gunshot operation - A 15-year-old boy, accidentally shot by his grandmother while hunting, thought to be a wild boar. This is TOTALLY bizarre. Bullets from the local-made rifle scattered into tiny little pellets in his left leg and they were about 20 sth of them. It was in the local news that morning and I was damn lucky enouggggggghhhhhhh to be a part of that surgeryyyy weeee. :D btw, they managed to remove only 14 and you should seee how they did it! BIZARRE. The chief surgeon, Dr. Rolland, was a super nice guy, i can't thank him more for giving me the chance.

nak bagitau lagi, tapi i'm out of time. maybe later.

p/s : assignment tak siap-siap lagi. next week balik dah. huhu. macamane ni, ade 7 tahun lagi. nak jadi doctor like, now, can't i?

holiday IV

2009-09-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

i'll be off to nogori later today, and sarawak tomorrow- so here it is, the beginning of the balik kampung journey. Time leaps this time, pheww. I wonder why. Pernah tak ada satu hari ni, korang dapat almost all the things that you ever wished for? Almost.. all. In one single day. Well I had, and just in these past 24 hours. I must've done something good kan somewhere somehow.. I guess. I'd like to put it that way. Alhamdulillah is the only thing I could say. And pasal raya pulak, I'm not expecting much. To be with my family and relatives dah good enough. Tapi, tak jenguk la 'Hamzi' tahun ni. T.T takpela, i know he's resting in peace, and andd I love you, adik. :)

To those of you who actually read this - rejoice in what lies ahead of you, and smile along. Friends, especially, and always treated me like one, I may not say this often but yeah, I love u guys. Takecare and Selamat Hari Raya-lah in advance. Hehe. :)

holiday III

2009-09-13T11:57:00.001-07:00

just ate two bowlfuls of selects blueberry morning and dutchlady full cream milk - tsks. how come i've overlooked it these past few years. thanks nabilah, dapat gak hidayah minum susu ni. umur dah 18 dah. haha. tapi goodday tak adeeeeeee! trial and error je tadi tu beli dutch lady, and it was fine, surprisingly. but i caught its swift smell la a little bit :S hehe. and ooh, just finished chattering here and there with sharifah hazirah and nasqilla back in facebook. i've just added nas tau takk, and somehow we've been haha here and elelele there and.. she's fun. mc ha too. so much of doing my so-called folio agama.. hah. it's THREE in the morning. :D

holiday II

2009-09-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

just felt like posting something. i've had my fair share of rest yesterday, like totally. im not really sure if thats enough or i deserve a little bit more, but im okay. i'll be leaving johore on wednesday, and i just listed down my to-do list, a bunch of workload, a killjoy of ib. sheesh. figured out i have a folio to complete - agama's, on teknik pembelajaran berkesan (?). i mean, really, now that i actually have to start doing it, i found it not much more sensible that stucking my head in a fridge in a midday heat. but no use of complaning now, it's due a week after raya, which im totally undoubtedly in downright assurance will become a burden if it's not settled as soon as possible. i don't like things bugging me. especially things like this - ugh, psychotic. i wish i could have that whatever-i-dont-care-a-shoot-about-homeworks kind of attitude, but naah. alhamdulillah la i have a set of a peaceful mind, hahaha. tadi kan i was thinking nak buat folio tu in english je. i googled a few stuff and they popped here and there, tinggal nak copy paste je. (against my conscience, yes, but nak raya dah ni wehhh, hehe) but i know it must be in malay, so.. i'm not a thing for interpreting things, you know. leceh. so i ended up reading everything, and i typed a few intro on myself.. and voila - 2 pages of my own words. an introduction on language and music. so i decided to do it on my own lah, it's not that hard once you get your brain cells running and jumping and had access to excess sugar time and time again. :D oooh, and btw, been downloading autumn in my heart instrumental ost today, and i loved it. T.T and oooh, i've noticed something lately. i'm in no connection whatsoever with any men, boys, or gays of any kind, except for my dad and my little bro. no texting, no calling, no anything. and the best thing is - i'm not even bothered. hah. the absurdities of it all made me feel almost human. :)

holiday

2009-09-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

again, I'm home. kmb memang suka cuti-cuti ni. we got 18 days of it this time, cool huh. few days past were quite a jumbo-mumbo one, with the standardised test and all. maths la paling 'manis' sekali, haha.. dah la, spoiler je kalau ingat balik. T.T bio and chem were okay, econ was.. a misery. the theories were all fine, but the rest were just a bunch of absurdities. i believe there'll be one point where i can get things finally right, till then, let's enjoy the fuzziness first. :D and oh, puasa. i miss those times back in langkawi. tapi xpe la, it's not that bad, at least i still got few good friends around. they are the ones who made my day bearable, day by day. thanks babes. i've got no company here in johore, so i guess by the 7th second i finish writing this, i'll start missing you guys like hell la. hehe. and oh, raya. balik sarawak la this year, weeeeeeeee - it'd been, like what, three solid years since the last time we went back. flight's on the 17th, so.. next five days ni nak buat ape pun tak tau lagi. someone told me to use my holiday time wisely, so.. nak ganti tidur time la kejap ek. hehehe

malasnaktulistitlelah

2009-08-26T08:39:00.001-07:00

It's 11.38 pm right now, and I'm currently cracking my brain as to what day is it today. Ape lah, hari pun tak ingat. Just finished watching Kingdom of Heaven, last part's cool. But I just wished I hadn't watched it with Dad, 'cause I can't really focus - kept on glancing for his reaction, uh oh, gonna be my habit of a lifetime that is.

GOSH CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS WEEKEND!

Finally i'll be seeing my dear cousins this saturday and having my berbuka with them.

Study je kat area KL-Banting-Shah Alam, tapi tak jumpe-jumpe pun lagiiiiii.

And oh, Ahad ni kite nak berbuka dengan kawan-kawan lah.

Tak kisah la langkawians ke sape-sape ke, ni reader yang reading ni ke (?).

TENGAH RINDU KAT SEMUA ORANG KOT. T.T

91 : 7-11

2009-08-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

By the Soul, and the proportion and order given to it;

And its enlightenment as to its wrong and its right;-

Truly He succeeds that purifies it,

And He fails that corrupts it.

Ramadhan.

2009-08-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'M HOMEEEEEEEEEEE.

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan Al-Mubarak, people. I just got back from kg ni, had my first sahur and berbuka and terawih there. Well it felt like a very short first day of puasa for me, alhamdulillah. And I have to say that I can already feel the warmth of Ramadhan. A few GOOD things welcomed me, and I just couldn't express how grateful I am for the state of things now. Some prayers had already been fulfilled, dan doa sentiasa dipohon dengan harapan Allah memegang hati-hati insan yang saya sayangiiiiiiiii. And you, too, people, let's make the best out of Ramadhan yeah.

We had TEN days of holidayyyyyyyyyyyyyy, oh I LOVE KMB. hehehe. lots and lots to tell here actually, kalau larat layan, layan la. hehe. life's been doing great there. I'm just a regular, random Ain, so far, slighly the opposite of who I was for all those previous years. As well as I'm concerned, I'm OK - as OK as I could possibly be, whatever that might means. Oh anyways, My really really good girlfriends were always there - fats and leya. my super duper cool roommate - wani, she helped getting me to surau on time, always, hehe. my classmate - m09D and its people were so far the coolest mixture of people. SOOOO many variations. :D ANDDD ANDDD this is the best part - i got to know few new friends as well, with awesomest personalities dan sangattt sangatttt cool to be with - nabilah the violinist. next would be siti and hazirah the futsal chicks, bessy the korean-lover, arlina the move-on girl, the hoedown-throwdowns-lo girls, the buaian gangs, kak rabiqah and kak 'puteh' and kak arina the naqibah sisters, and etc etc etc. blogosphere people pun dah jumpa dah, haha. ade la 'sorang' tuuuu kena sergah dah dgn kite. padan muka. haha! seriously, i'm loving them. the old ones remain, the new ones brighten! i have two years to love them more, insyaAllah. so conclusively, im positive.

I'm wondering how my uninety friends are all doing. At Intec? Taylor's? KTJ? KYUEM? KMS?

Someone here had always been hoping for the best for you guys.

Alamak, kilat la. Nanti-nanti sambung balik.

Jangan lupa bangun sahur. :) :)

an incomprehensible truth.

2009-08-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

ha ha. I've got External CAS tomorrow - ape la incomprehensible-nye sangattt. :D im in a super duper elated mood right now, as there'll be no class then!

:)

Oh hello SK Dengkil people, im going to serve. eheks.

94 : 05

2009-08-05T02:59:00.000-07:00

"So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief."

Do remember;

The night when your whole body shivered rentlessly, drenched with cold sweat and you're awaken at the middle of the night with the the most terrifying nightmare you've ever had. Feverish, remember how you closed your eyes knowing that you might not have the chance to open it again.
How you could not even move a muscle.
How your veins were prickling through your body systems.
How the food you eat hadn't even reach your stomach before they're being forced out again.
How the people who love you the most cared for you, despite you being an infectious parasite.
How Allah Almighty took back the disease, giving you the chance to be grateful toward Him, and for every other thing He granted you with - family, and acquaintances.

H1..

2009-08-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

I don't think I got it all the way from kmb. I think that guy in Topshop counter gave it to me, i'm telling you, he was seriously sick. Ntah la, wallahualam. I vomitted my stomach out 5 to 6 times last night, and I woke up in the morning with the temperature of 39.2 C. I was verified then, without doubt, to be infected. And I was like, super scared. Like super, super scared. Never hope for anything like this to happen to you. (nak buat homework! isks.)

uh-oh.

2009-08-01T03:52:00.000-07:00

Self-discovery, that's what it is. Synchronisation of heart and reason, without the interference of the particular sense of responsibility I usually had to live with. I'm not complaining neither regretting, it's just that, it feels great, somehow, to actually being true to yourself and knowing the fact that you are doing things not because you had to, but because you want to. To live to no one's expectation, and just be you, nothing more, nothing less. (Well it's not entirely true, since I kept being bugged after Econ's classes. Hehe.)

Things had been quite interesting so far, I must say. I preferred to blend in, this time around, but somehow trouble can't stay away from me. I wondered why I kept being singled out of a crowd, it's not that I'm fond of attention. It's cool in some ways, but not so in some others. He could've looked for anyone, and it's not so easy to comprehend why must it be me. It got nothing to do with him, seriously, but I'm not into any of this thing, especially not now, not there, and I think I've made it clearer day by day for the past few weeks. It's a funny thing, though, and I can't deny the fact that the whole thing amused me pretty much. :D

And ohhhh, I've made a bunch of cool friends there as well. Sangatttt sangattt cool. New ones made, the old ones remained! hehe. Kakaks pun okay jer. Conclusively I had no trouble in adapting at all la. Main futsal, rocking je. At least I haven't had any part of my skin torn, not yet. CoolSems were very interesting, indeed, and it's a different feeling to miss even one single session. I learned more about Quran and Islam and all sorts of things that come along with them both, and I love it. Not everything is supposed to be academical, brain and soul are two different things and deserved to be fed different meals, right. But yeah, sometimes we forgot the fact that we had a Master, and sometimes not everything is what it appears to be. Sometimes all we need is just the chance to see both sides of the coin and to think a bit more after each moment of hesitation, don't you think? I learned not to judge sangat, and be less skeptical lah kat sana. Just towards some things, mind you. (I had to be skeptical in some situations, especially in English classes. :D) Well, mainly because unbiased mind seemed to do fair to everyone, and everything I encountered so far. So I guess it's here to stay.

When I shared this with some people, they said I haven't actually had the taste of IB life, not fully, yet. And I'm sure to suffer once I did, then I'll be loving it less. I can't help myself but to wonder whether it's true. One thing for sure, I'm not looking forward for it. Not really.

50 : 16

2009-07-25T21:07:00.000-07:00

"We created the human, and we know what he whispers to himself.

We are closer to him than his jugular vein."

hello.

2009-07-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

I love you, Technology. And oh, kmb's fine. It'd been almost a month now, and things seem to be in place. Knowing some cool people, learning from some great educators, etc. I've got tonnes of things in mind to tell you about, but it's midnight now and I've got class tomorrow, yikes. Another week is about to begin, and I'm looking forward to it, really. Talk in Maths, figure out Ways of Knowing, Tafsir Quran, Sciences and Microscopes, Warisan the Modern History, yadayada. Obviously, 'excitement' is inevitable. :D And oh, by the way, I just got myself grounded - balik lambat tengok harrypo, overlooked the possibility of traffic congestion, so conclusively padan lah muka. heh.

1st.

2009-06-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Cuma tiga perkara perlu dijadikan pegangan;

1. Dia sentiasa bersama dengan orang-orang yang berusaha.

2. Dia membebani hamba-Nya sesuai dengan keupayaan, dan kesanggupan mereka.

3. Dia mempunyai perkara yang tersirat di sebalik setiap ketentuan-Nya, perkara yang sentiasa menjanjikan kebaikan.

... and, a new journey is about to begin. Wish me well.

2nd.

2009-06-20T22:40:00.000-07:00

He's the only person on EARTH who knows the real me, inside out, and still loves me more than anything else.

Rase nak nangis. Tak malu betul mengaku. It's so unlike me to post this, just because it's D-Day, but what else can I do as a tribute to him?

Kalau ibu marahkan saya, dia yang pertahankan anak perempuannya ni. Dia tak suka membebel. Dia panggil saya duduk di meja makan, and he'll talk - boyfriend girlfriend stuff when I was fourteen, unbalanced personality when I was sixteen, and family crisis when I was eighteen, the moment he had to leave the family for a month, for Johore.

Dulu, pernah saya kemalangan. Jatuh Scooter, hadiah pemberian dia. Masa tu saya lima belas tahun, lesen tak ada, curi-curi keluar rumah. Padan muka. Ibu marah-marah, setengah jam dia bawa saya pusing-pusing naik kereta dalam keadaan darah mengalir keluar di serata badan. Hehe. Sampai wad kecemasan, Ayah angkat dari kereta. Dia tak cakap apa-apa, tak tanya apa-apa. Dia tahu saya sakit. Dia suruh saya tahan.

Dulu, kami sekeluarga pernah kehilangan. Nyawa anak kecil yang ditunggu kedatangan, dirembat dari kami sebelum sempat ia melihat dunia. Saya masih ingat getar bibirnya menceritakan apa yang terjadi kepada saya dan adik yang baru bangun tidur. Saya masih rasa hangat tubuhnya memeluk kami berdua. Dia minta maaf, dia tak mampu berbuat apa-apa. The first and the last time, I saw my dad as a broken man.

Terlalu banyak kalau mahu ditulis satu persatu. Tidak saya tahu sejauh mana kasih sayangnya. Dia pernah marah, dia pernah meninggi suara. Tapi semuanya dilakukan demi kebaikan saya. Esok, dia yang akan hantarkan saya ke Nilai. Lusa, saya akan menyambung semula pelajaran. Tidak saya tahu bila pertemuan saya dengannya lagi. Saya cuma mampu berdoa agar Allah panjangkan umurnya, agar dia berkesempatan melihat permatanya ini berjaya. Agar sempat dia merasa gembira, dan berpuas hati. Agar saya berkesempatan membalas semula kebaikannya, sepertimana yang telah diberikannya semenjak saya kecil lagi.

Ain sayang Ayah.

3rd.

2009-06-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
to weep is to risk appearing sentimental,
to reach out to another is to risk involvement,
to expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self,
to place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,
to hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken - because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow;
but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

- Anonymous.

Hmm. Strong words.

4th.

2009-06-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

It's 5 a.m., I've just finished reading - mission accomplished. I'm not pushing myself, no it wasn't about that at all. I pretty much enjoyed it. I just sort of hate the restlessness it caused me. But let me do MS justice first; it's barely 'Midnight Sun', it's merely the first draft, leaked illegally, somehow, into the internet without authorisation. I didn't realise it at first, an ignorant being as I was back then, browsing through the files in 4shared.com, to be downloaded - I thought it'd been officially published and it's my mistake that I somehow missed it. I came to an abrupt halt once I came across her official website and learned the truth. I guess I owed my guilt lah kan masa tu. Ah well, it's a relief that Steph being the sensible person she is, and decided to publish the draft officially, just to save her readers the sacrifice of their honesty - cool. She clearly saw how inevitable it had become. Considering it as nothing more than drafts, I sifted through without so high of expectation, especially toward the end. Conflicting emotions, was all I could say. One good thing of reading things through Edward's perspective though, was how much his tendency of playing with words gave an upper hand to me. Ah, very well. No wonder I took an unusual extended amount of time on it.

I feel a bit restless yesterday, as had been indicated in my previous post. It had little to do with me not going to Mt. Ledang, mind you, I got over it already. And that restlessness tweaked the situation a little bit so I guess it's okay - I finished packing, reading, and some Trig, in a matter of 12 hours (5 pm - 5am). I figured I worked well under pressure, I dunno, maybe it's just me. My eyes strained now, it should be. I deserved some sleep after Subuh ni I think. Now for the next few days I probably have to worry about nothing, regain my peace of mind, and make myself well-composed for whatever's coming. Gah!

I love this rare condition I'm currently in; no headaches, no heartaches.

Paling penting, kerja siap, hati senang. Sape nak sup jagungggg?

5th II

2009-06-18T07:44:00.000-07:00

Trust me on this - one single hour is all it takes. You just have to set the timeframe, and work under pressure. Goodluck.

I'm off to bed. Will be waking up at 1 am, and stay awake for Midnight Sun - wanting to get it done before Friday's Sun rises. Till then. Bye.

p/s : Reasons for my extreme restlessness? Nanti lah cerita. Bye.

5th I

2009-06-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

It's wayyyy past midnight and I just finished the fifth chapter of Midnight Sun. Why ohhhh why it's only a week left for ib, i want to finish reading it first! Ugh, whatever. Later in the afternoon Ayah'll be going to Mount Ledang - apparently he organized a meeting there, in a resort-lah, mind you, not on the top of the mountain, so yeah, he's staying there overnight and he got all these 'dull' activities planned already, hiking and all, yadayada and he did NOT allow me to go! The reason for it was, it wouldn't be nice for other officers to see he's bringing her daughter along (mentang-mentangla meeting dia lah kan), no matter how desperate the kid wants to follow. He said it'll bore me to death and there's really nothing worth my anticipation pun, as the only thing he thought will trigger my anxiety out of the whole thing is the hiking, and the hiking alone!

Ah. The meandering path. Vivid greeeeeen. The fresh breeze. Vivid greeeeen. The history. Greeeeeeeen. The peak. The mist. Leeches. Chirpings. Snakes. ADVENTURE!

I rather die out of boredom, then alive and kicking;
than a total security here, ticking my days off in one hand.

Batting eyelashes tak menjadi. I still can't go.

6th

2009-06-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Caution; You don't want to read this.

We have to understand the world can only be grasped by action,
not by contemplation.
The hand is more important than the eye....The hand is the cutting edge of the mind.

-Jacob Bronowski

1. I couldn't agree more to his words. It's a good thing to think, but it'll even better to manage thoughts into action - my internal struggle at the moment. I want to do, but the willpower to start, that's the greater demand. I'm not the only one cursing myself for this, it's a human norm I guess. But does 'human norm' makes it a good enough excuse? To think without doing is useless, to do without thinking is terrible.

Situation #1 - Nak buat maths exercise minggu ni, tapi asyik delayed je? Janji dengan diri sendiri malam-malam bukan main, tapi takkkk buat buat jugak. Ape nak jadi ni. Lepas post entry ni, KENA BUAT tau tau. tsks.

2. Sometimes for me, (1)better something than nothing, no matter how small or feeble that something is. However when I think it through, won't it just be the same? The nothing, and the little something, I mean. Someone told me before, (2)Do or Do Not, there's no trying. I think there's where the little something came from - trials. Maybe I should stop doing this based on (1). As for (2), when I do something half-heartedly, it'll be called trying and I better do not do at all. So if I want to get it done, I better DO do - do it well, no lesser effort will be compromised.

Situation #2 - Jogging; kadang-kadang pecut, kadang-kadang jalan, menjadi ke workout routine mcm tu? Dalam hati cakap - "Daripada tak jogging langsung, okay ape." Akal jawab - "Kalau macam tu, tak ade beza la jogging ke tak. Jogging pun tak ade hasil ape-ape. "

7th

2009-06-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

I was halfway through my LONGGGGG entry for today, but I decided to put on hold that one particular topic because I have less than 5 minutes before 12 midnight struck in and I want to be the man of my words. Ceh.

I've been writing for an hour you know, but it was barely completed. I've no regrets, I'll save it for later, hehehe. Oh, by the way, I had a busy day.

Busy - Midnight Sun, sorting through piles and piles of clothes to be packed, Midnight Sun, evening 'walk', Midnight Sun, google verbs nouns prepositions, Midnight Sun, Blogspot.

Heck yeah, busy, indeed.

BARELY PRODUCTIVE!

8th

2009-06-15T06:16:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Dearest Schafi, no h1n1 detected. Hehe.

So yea, I'm getting better now alhamdulillah. I can barely sleep last nite, thanks to the tossing and turning. Phew. Today's a Mr. Nice Day. Mom made a steaming hot corn soup and sandwiches for her daughter this morning, LOVE YOU! And Ayah, at first he suggested me to just buy a new set of bedsheet considering I already have my own fleece blanket, but he changed his mind abruptly and bought me a comforter set, too. LOVE YOU, yah. Now let's just hope rooms in kmb isn't that hot, or else..

And Hamka, it's his first day in EC - English College JB or, Maktab Sultan Abu Bakar. Somehow he managed to get a placement there, so he's got nothing else to do than to work his ass of. Our third PM used to be a student there, well then boy, you're left with no more excuses! Hehe, a sister so kejam. That school is near to Istana, so yeah, the distance from home is undeniably FAR! Ohh, and heck yeah, how much more decent can my dear little brother looked. With his new tie and badge (green, euwww), pressed tailored-pant, combed hair and all, he's growing too much and I kinda missed the little boy I used to make fun of. Hehe. LOVE YOU, hamka! Belajar rajin-rajin, sayang. You'll always be kakak punye little boy, tau.

9th

2009-06-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

Achummm! tsks. tsks.

Puffy eyes, puffy nose. Weakened limbs.. ACHUMMM!

Hari ini Hari Sedih. Bukan Hari Ahad. Bangun pagi, dada rasa sesak. Nak menghela sejaring nafas, payahnya tak mahu dikenang. Pagi-pagi macam biasa. Makan popia, minum air teh panas. Lupa sakit sekilas, Kimia menunggu.

Tiba tengahari, ACHUMM dan ACHUMM lagi.

Geram rasa hati - kenapa perlu pada waktu ini?

Istighfar, Ain - satu unsur diriku dalam senyap-senyap memujuk, menjawab pertikaian yang seorang tadi. Sinki putih bersih jadi persinggahan, air laju membantu. Kelegaan, cuma satu itu yang aku pinta. Sendi mula rasa sengal. Mata pedih kukelip-kelip, badan hangat, namun diri terasa dingin. Teh hilang manisnya, nasi pula hilang rasa. Aku tahu apa yang tak kena.

Aku baring. Pening, MasyaAllah.

Kepada siapa tempat mengadu? Tiada siapa yang lebih layak kecuali-Mu.

Di waktu-waktu sebegini, baru terngiang-ngiang kata-kata ini;

Ingat lima perkara, sebelum lima perkara -

Sihat sebelum sakit
Muda sebelum tua
Kaya sebelum miskin
Lapang sebelum sempit
Hidup sebelum mati

Demi masa…
Sesungguhnya manusia kerugian.

Kawan-kawan, jaga kesihatan.

Nikmat sihat, hargailah. Gunakan sebaiknya.

Kerna, pabila hilang, walaupun seketika, cukup untuk menginsafkan.

10th

2009-06-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

The day began with a not-so-NICE start. DNS server had chosen today as the day to create a problem which had unfortunately done the damage, injected malice and annoyance in me.

The 11th post had to be written here, in this cybercafe or should I call it, The Dungeon, with its low light and not-so-FRIENDLY companions (except for the orange front wall, hehehe). I really should leave.

GOOD DAY LAH YE, PEOPLE.

11th

2009-06-12T00:18:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

I can see stars. @.@

I didn't fell back sleeping after subuh today. Now now, it's a big deal, at least for me. Hehe. :)

Since my morning was so lengthy, and I didn't catch a breakfast too, my oh my am I hungry or whatttt! I ate apples, I thought they ought to be enough. Pheww, luckily they were.

Anyway, Chemistry IB was pretty exhausting. It's Atomic Structure this morning, and it could be much easier without those Electronic Configuration based on Aufbau Principles. Basically it's about electron arrangement of the Form 5 syllabus, but with extended subtopics and stuff. The problem I had was with the configurations though, since no explanation was given in the study guides on how to actually construct it and on what basis, only examples and a few alternatives were included. Well, I guess I have to wait for a teacher. Oh, and by the way, though I doubt you're a reader of niffirania, thanks a zillion Kak Jannah for handing down your IB books to me. It'd been a month or so now, and I hope you don't mind some of my doodles here and there, it's just some old habits I couldn't shake off. Thanks to Kak Hikmah, too. You two have no idea how you guys inspired me. HEHE. I mean, even writing down my names there beneath yours as the new proud owner had done a great deal you know. Knowing one is currently in her third year in Dublin, and another will come along to the same place InsyaAllah - I want to follow suit. :)

Other than that, of course, the books certainly help, for now. I have this 'thing' of writing notes you know, because apparently, I discovered before that my comprehension of certain (well, mostly) new informations is greatly compromised by extraction of the source onto a simplified output. Simply said, writing notes made me understand things better. There's just this one problem - it's time consuming. Now you get the idea of why am I troubling my last weeks of holiday spending hours learning things that haven't even been taught and making notes. I'm no genius, hard work is the only thing I can work on you know. Since time is the issue here, and I've heard many things about IB being super difficult not mainly because of the subjects but the programmes and all, I figured I've got to do something about it sooner or later. It's not much, but at least doing a little something is better than nothing.

So go on, call me SKEMA. Haha, I seriously couldn't care less.

12th II

2009-06-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Privatisation? Taken into consideration.

I started to think I've disclosed too much of myself in here.

I doubt it'd be a lost to anyone, so what's the big deal.
Still, sorry dear Followers.

But privatisation for me meaning no one will be invited personally.
It's either no one, or everyone.

Total privacy, a closed online diary. Ahh, tempting.

To do or not to do? Let see.

12th I

2009-06-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

I thought I've rectified the wrongs. But clearly, not in its entirety. Well, for one good thing at least, I know I'm no longer messed up. All I wanted all this while was nothing but a peace of mind. To stop dwelling on resented rememberings and face reality. Harsh as it seems, I rejoice truth. But it's ironic how tiny little things threatened to crumple the wall I'm building. And it's even more so when I figured out the so-called defense was indeed feeble. I have no idea why oh why NOW would be the time for my dear little Hamka to be addicted to The Song. He put it on, turned up to the maximum volume, and sang along - on the couch, in the shower. But the most worrisome thing about it was not about the singing, but how it affected me. I want to be able to live with it, and feel nothing. I want to be able to sing along, and laugh at the whole thing. But it's disturbing, I failed to be ignorant and that's what made me upset more than anything else. To totally put together mind and heart in synchronisation this time, proven to be not quite an easy task. Maybe I need more time. Don't try too hard, just mean every little effort.

13th II

2009-06-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

DAPAT, BUAT, INGAT.

GET, DO, REMEMBER.

Situation #1

On our way from Nusajaya to Desaru;

It was initially a sunny Sunday afternoon, but unfortunately, driving out from Kota Tinggi after lunch, the weather changed abruptly - skies were dark clouds of heavy pouring rain, and soon enough, cars were trotting slowly, in both lanes. Hamka grumbled restlessly, saying how inconvenient it was, when it never seemed to rain when we're indoors, and finally when we're out and about, the rain decided to fall. I flashed him a sharp stare (That's what big sister does) :D. Ah well, I flipped through the FM channel searching for certain decent signal when I came across a somehow familiar voice of Dato' Dr. Fadzilah Kamsah.

"Dapat, buat, ingat. Bukan dapat, ingat, buat, " he said. I fumbled a little upon his words, but I urged myself to listen, and so I did. He talked how we, never seem to practice the knowledge we received. Some people go to motivation camps, be totally inspired, but then keep on reverting back to bad old habits. What makes us forget?

KITA TAK BUAT.

As simple as that.

Kita DAPAT..
Kita INGAT..
Tapi lumrah Manusia memang Pelupa,
Kita TAK BUAT.

So the little trick here is,

Kita DAPAT, kita BUAT dalam tempoh 48 jam. Insya-Allah kita INGAT.

That's that, and it's a mere theory by him. A good one, but it made my mind flashed back to one recent, fresh memory of a woman who taught me the lesson, for real.
She is no Dato'. Nor a Dr.
She is my mother.

Situation #2

In our tiny, humble little kitchen;

A relative of ours was going to come by today, and quite a lunch was planned. Mum and me went to the wet market first thing in the morning, so by 11 am, preparation were perfectly ready to roll. I was assigned to prepare one of the two main dishes of the day, either a Fish Curry or a Crab Meat Soup. Since the soup is my all-time favourite meal, but I've only prepared it once and not really good at it, I chose it without any hesitation. Ohh, and mind you, it's for TWENTY people. >.<

And so I started things and recalling back the ingredients in my mind, THIRTEEN okay - thirteen ingredients needed, in sequence, one by one. I know I've memorised it by heart now.
While I was adding this and that, stopped here and there, and grumbled in tiny mums several mistakes, Mum, who was just beside me, with her curry, gave me this (?) look.

I ignored her. :D

She scurried passed me, and came back seconds later with a little piece of paper in her hand - list of all the ingredient, and yes, in complete sequence. She asked me to drop all the memorising, and just do it first - "Look at the mixture, not into your head," she said.

Yes..

Dapat, Buat, Ingat.

Well, at last I managed to get it done, and yes, excellently (since the whole thing was eaten without leftovers) . Hehehehe.

And the best thing was, I enjoyed it!
Anddddd, once I tried again to recall it, I did so without any problem, plus my mind was 'photographically-assisted'. If you know what I mean.

I figured out that focusing on cooking, rather than on the list, was unarguably easier.

Thanks Mumma. You're the best.

13th I

2009-06-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Finally, after much patience and restraining, here I am again.

There's so many things I'd love to share, and a few mental notes had been taken frequently lately for them to be shared here.

But before that, I can't leave Johor Bahru unattended just like that can I?

Well, pleasant, and cool, will give this place justice. Indeed, crap things happened once in a while ; falling railings, obnoxious internet provider, scooter crash, financial indecisions, kmb awakenings, and so on and so forth. Despite all these, decent things happened, too, and I can proudly say that I've learnt at least one lesson from all the 'crap' mentioned before. Life has its own funny way of learning.

The particular place I'm living in is the area of Bukit Indah, Nusajaya, where commercial hub is currently being developed here and there, everywhere. The nearest town would be Nusajaya, with its new administration city and Aeon Jusco Bukit Indah, both less than 10 minutes of drive. Well-facilitated, generally a nice neighbourhood to live in. I vaguely aware of anything else.
But I need to mention here how moving, packing and repacking were absolutely one hell of experience! My feminity had been slightly challenged, if you know what I mean, with all the little heavy boxes I couldn't carry - now I know for sure, without question, that men are slightly stronger. All this while for me, it's merely an abominable notion. :D

Hamka, on the other hand, is experiencing quite awkward and 'disjointed' days. :D
The scooter crashed, again, and it's him this time. I'm telling you, that thing meant to give us both scars and bruises and life lessons since the very first day it'd been purchased three years ago. First, keep your path straight and ignore any dumb cyclist. Second, never lie and make up stories and go outside of your 'perimeter' without legal license. Third, never spare a crazy dog your pitiance if it ever gets into your way - Hamka, if I have the chance to choose between 'Dog', and 'Guess', I'll pick the latter. Hehehe.

13th - notably the exact 13 days before KMB registration day on the 23rd. The forms and all basic necessities had been settled, so I guess there's not much for me to do except than hovering around a little while longer and make the best out of these 14 days. I planned to get a new laptop before this, since my 'ancient' compaq presario is painstakingly slow, frail-looking and immensely outdated! It turns out it'd been a while since I last sent it for service, so it's not really a surprise to discover the poor thing in such a pitiful state after all. I've sent it just now, and it looked as good as ever. So I think neither Acer Aspire nor HP Mini is going to be purhased soon. Perhaps a VAIO for passing the cutting-off point later in 2011 daddy? :D

Ohh, I'll write a new post. Another story won't survive it here. Fancy writing again. :))

a sec.

2009-06-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Hi.

Hello.

Hehe.

Days are getting better, time flies, and..

Beepbeep. Mumma. I've gotta go, see you anytime soon, people.

Don't miss me. :D

a P/S.

2009-05-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

I have certain issues with myself.

FIRST.

To some people, I'm totally reserved. I guard my emotions with total care, so that I won't appear to be vulnerable. Should that be consider as hypocrisy?

To some other people, I dont. And this particular group of people are those who really know me well. Most probably, than I do myself. In their company, I have nothing to cover up inside. I can scream, I can cry, I can be in silence with all day long, but still - no perceptions created, no assumptions made. These people knew exactly what my issue is (or I think they do);

I have problems in keeping my emotions in check.

I feel too much, and usually when I do, I think less.

Sometimes, I handled it well. When I'm upset, and I'm sensible, I'll keep myself quiet. I don't talk about it, because words, spoken without sense will turn out to be a knife, stabbing blindly. Silence is the best platform, as emotion and reason can be judged clearly without bias. At last, forgive and forget will turn out to be the best solution for mostly every argument.
KAN SENANG.

Sometimes I don't. The problem is when I DON'T.
I hate it when keeping myself quiet isn't a reflex action for every emotional conflicts. Because I tend to forget.
I hate it, because instead, someone gets hurt when it's not even necessary to do so.
I hate it, because in a split second, I assume I have the right to say what I want because it's my tongue im using and it's my own freedom of speech. WTH. With freedom, comes responsibility - I missed that one, a lot.
I hate it, because I'll be vulnerable. My emotions will then be freely displayed for others to judge, and for some reason, I do care about what others have got to say.

I despised myself for this.

SECOND.

It's a scary thing, when some stupid, silly remarks in FACEBOOK can trigger such an emotion in me. What a waste of emotion!

Like seriously, the world is threatened by nuclear tests launched by those North Korean morons, and here I am, in an insignificant little part in this world, emotionally disturbed by some random things in some trivial networking site.

I think I've lost my marbles.

As a reflection, I think I've spent most of my hours in a day in cyberspace.
I blogged.
I ym-ed.
I facebook-ed.
I ning-ed.
I texted.
These so-called 'networking'.
Hovering in front of this lifeless notebook.
I even talked my heart out to this niffirania thing!

I maybe updated, connected to the cyberworld, but truth to be said, I feel disconnected from the world I'm living in.

Do you know,
how hard it was to talk about feelings with my fellow girl friends on the phone?
how difficult it was to tell my parents what I wished for and why?
Well, you get the idea.

Sometimes I can't help but to wonder how different things will be without technologies. '
Well, for me.
No internet, no phones.
To talk about feelings and emotions,
one has to come up and say it out loud.
No medium, no third parties.
Just two human beings, facing each other.
HEH.

As for emotional disturbance occuring in some trivial parts of cyberworld,
I don't want it to further controlling my life.
Feeling things that weren't worth be feeling for, ahh.
It's too unhealthy. I've got better things to do.
I DARE myself to stay away from this side of civilisation.
I'm taking a vacation, for a week, or maybe perhaps more.
Time heals, Nature helps. Or so I think.
( I wish I can say the same to phone lines. :D )

p/s :

I'll be in a PERFECT PLACE for THREE DAYS,
leaving for a NEW HOME, NEW PLACE right after,
and STARTING MY IB DIPLOMA in less than a month!

Insya-Allah.

I can't be more optimistic towards life than I already am, right now.

good day to you. :)

Ehhh kejap, wannurfatin. Dah dapat P, bawak I jalan2. Hehe.

now.

2009-05-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

Hover, to see one of the reasons why.

p/s : Nikki, thanks for the highlight.

TLL.

2009-05-24T04:34:00.000-07:00

Today's Little Lesson;

Antara Cinta dan Keinginan untuk Memiliki, adalah dua perkara yang berbeza. :)

p/s : May Allah bless you my friend, always.

Red to Green.

2009-05-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

It was a blazing hot Saturday afternoon.

The red light was doing the job it does best; stopping motions.

I saw an old Indian man, queueing before the traffic light, on his bare feet. Hands on his hips, I couldn't tell what he's thinking. The grazel underneath his naked sole must be eating the flesh within. The heat was overwhelming, the coolness of an air-conditioned vehicle barely made any difference to me, inside. I peered through the rear-view mirror, his face looked haggard. I stopped scrutinizing, as I'm not sure I want to see what lies beneath his eyes. I shifted my attention, to look at what seems to be filthy rags hanging on his body. It was the colour of dirty coal grey. He didn't seem to have the faintest idea that he's actually in the middle of the road. I wanted to let the window slide down, I wanted to tell him to step aside. And by then, I knew the fact that he's a traffic incovenient wasn't the reason why I wanted him to get out of the way. Ignoring the mere reflection, I turned my head. He lifted his head, and my lips trembled at the sight of such pitiful pairs of eyes. As my fingers scrambled to push the window's button down, I felt a slight backward push as the vehicle gained acceleration.

And the last thing I saw of him, was a forehead crease.

Choices.

2009-05-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

hurm.

Yesterday, Tuesday at 10.45 am, marked the last IB exam paper. I surfed the blogs of my fellow langkawian seniors, and i noticed their latest entries, on immense relief they had now since their IB years had finally come to an end. In this cyberspace, emotions can be translated and deciphered in so many ways, eg. pictures, words, etc and I have to say they made full use of these advantages. Well, I figured out these people really learnt a lot during their 2 years there, and it's not merely academics. This piece of information brought me back to my senses. There's an urge within me to look forward for kmb, for a reason other than opening up books again, but it's actually the chance to learn from people, new circles of people. When I said learning, I mean learning.

What do I really want in life actually?

1.
Is it just to learn and learn, keep my head straight ahead, be a doctor, then be satisfied..
and that's it.. get on with life?
i have the feeling, by then, it would be like waking up from a trance, realising that life is actually more than just that and i've missed learning the essential elements, the beauty of being a human.
Too immersed in the future that i get caught up between the past and the present.
Oblivious to the values of others.
And be one of those people who are ignorant of others, assuming there's no one better than they are, put their self-interest on top of everything else, and ended up being alone at the end of the day.
God knows I don't want that to happen.
I believe everyone has their own angels and demons within.
But, choices are in our hands, too. The choice to exhibit the angels, or the demons.
That's why we have to learn from others around us, and not to be afraid of making mistakes, because directly or indirectly, it'll make us a better person.

2.
Is it.. to travel?
To go to those places around the world, outside the boundaries of the land i'm living in all this while, and discover the variety of culture, the beliefs which exist on this very land before i close my eyes and leaving this world for good?

3.
Is it just being able to finally get what I want one day?
I mean.. to not having to worry about that one particular thing we, humans,
always look for and not having enough of - money.
Why, sometimes, the rich gets richer, and the poor gets poorer?
Why, they are still families torn apart when money isn't a problem?
I thought by having your needs satisfied by the slight swap of credit cards, you'll be happy.. aren't you?
But.. on the other hand, do you think those living in the squatters areas inside those derelict homes of theirs are really happy with their lives?
When stomaches aren't properly filled.. and when homes aren't the proper shelter.. will that make them happy?
so i guess, it's not appropriate to measure happiness by the stacking amount of money, nor the minimum simplicity way of life.
Money and happiness can coexist with each other, but then again, if both are handled selflessly.
Money can solve many problems, but not all problems can be solved with money.
It's the choices that human make that matters.

4.
Is it to be remembered?
When I was little, I've dreamt of fame.. once.
I want my name to be remembered.
I want to be a somebody of great importance.
I want to make discoveries, so that my name will be written in books, journals, encyclopaedias.
I want to leave a mark in this world.
Ambitious, but yes.. I've dreamt of that.

5.
Is it.. to have a family?
To be a good wife.. and a good mother?
So that my story,
my love and tenderness would be passed down generation after generation of mine as being the one who shaped and mouled people of intelligent minds, with beautiful faiths and hearts?
To have someone with me beside my deathbed,
a lifelong companion whose intention isn't just to be with me in this life,
but also the hereafter.

6.
Or.. is it, to be a humble and loyal servant of Him?
The one who believes in qada' and qadar,
strong-willed in facing life's turbulences as she knows they are from Him,
merely to test her faith and to give her the chance to reward her even more.
Will I be ever be good enough for His Jannah?

Above are a few things that had been going on in my mind - what I wanted in life.
Knowledge, Money, Fame, Love, and Faith.

And, based on my feeble judgements..

Knowledge : I want to be wise. Not just academically knowledgeable, but learn from others on how to be a better person. If changing means a better me, then why not? And.. it's never wrong to be a traveller. Experience is one form of knowledge, isn't it?

Money : Be rich is not my priority. I just hope that.. money won't be a problem for me.

Fame : Be known, and famous.. do i really need those? "I want to leave my mark in this world." Well.. maybe i will leave a mark, just maybe a slightly different one.

Love : This one is indeed.. beautiful. Love, accompanied with reason and not heart alone, will make life full of purpose. A strength to live. One day, I want to have a family. To be a good wife and mother. And, to be an obedient daughter till the end of time - too much to ask from myself, but will never be enough to repay for what my parents had done.

Faith : I'm too small to talk about this. :( Sangat kecil.. dan sangatlah tidak layak. One day I hope, I'll prove myself to be a good enough servant.

p/s : Manusia cuma merancang, Allah yang menentukan. Ah well, it's just a little something to ponder upon, and for me to walk the talk.

click.

2009-05-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

.. and yes, I got it.

Perubatan, International Baccalaureate Programme in Kolej Mara Banting for 2 years.

Believe it or not, an hour or so after I received the news, I was still considering the merits of both - ib mara, and asasi perubatan uia. But, I just can't say no to mara. the idea that I will be able to stand a chance, to compete for a place in RCSI is much too appealing for me.

I'm aware of all the risks, know fully well the fact that it's possible for mara to send me for local studies or indonesia (no no no) after that, but that's if and only if I didn't perform well in ib.

Basically, it all depends on me.
I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain for - get there, or die trying.

Allah never leave me, not for once, He gave me His full attention and He granted each and every wish i had prayed for, lately - 10A1s, dad's promotion, hamka's MSAB, Tetamu Kehormat's JPA, Medical UIA, and now this.

Alhamdulillah.

He'd chosen me to grant these rezekis to, He had faith in me.

And in which place am I now to not having faith in myself?

sana'y wala ng wakas.

2009-05-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

caution before clicking on the links below - for those who don't really watch these kind of things, beware (don't click). hehe.

well, i'm not a such a fan of tv series or anything, but i watched this one when i was like, in f2 of f3 i guess, and i loved it. then, and even now. Ara chose Christian over Leo in the end, exactly what i wished for, and million others i think, but still, it's one great filipino story. life's a drama after all, and this is merely a reflection.

My all-time favourite soap opera;

Ara&Christian P1.

Ara&Christian P2.

Ara&Christian P3.

sedih laaa. :'(