Yesterday, Tuesday at 10.45 am, marked the last IB exam paper. I surfed the blogs of my fellow langkawian seniors, and i noticed their latest entries, on immense relief they had now since their IB years had finally come to an end. In this cyberspace, emotions can be translated and deciphered in so many ways, eg. pictures, words, etc and I have to say they made full use of these advantages. Well, I figured out these people really learnt a lot during their 2 years there, and it's not merely academics. This piece of information brought me back to my senses. There's an urge within me to look forward for kmb, for a reason other than opening up books again, but it's actually the chance to learn from people, new circles of people. When I said learning, I mean learning.
What do I really want in life actually?
Is it just to learn and learn, keep my head straight ahead, be a doctor, then be satisfied..
and that's it.. get on with life?
i have the feeling, by then, it would be like waking up from a trance, realising that life is actually more than just that and i've missed learning the essential elements, the beauty of being a human.
Too immersed in the future that i get caught up between the past and the present.
Oblivious to the values of others.
And be one of those people who are ignorant of others, assuming there's no one better than they are, put their self-interest on top of everything else, and ended up being alone at the end of the day.
God knows I don't want that to happen.
I believe everyone has their own angels and demons within.
But, choices are in our hands, too. The choice to exhibit the angels, or the demons.
That's why we have to learn from others around us, and not to be afraid of making mistakes, because directly or indirectly, it'll make us a better person.
Is it.. to travel?
To go to those places around the world, outside the boundaries of the land i'm living in all this while, and discover the variety of culture, the beliefs which exist on this very land before i close my eyes and leaving this world for good?
Is it just being able to finally get what I want one day?
I mean.. to not having to worry about that one particular thing we, humans,
always look for and not having enough of - money.
Why, sometimes, the rich gets richer, and the poor gets poorer?
Why, they are still families torn apart when money isn't a problem?
I thought by having your needs satisfied by the slight swap of credit cards, you'll be happy.. aren't you?
But.. on the other hand, do you think those living in the squatters areas inside those derelict homes of theirs are really happy with their lives?
When stomaches aren't properly filled.. and when homes aren't the proper shelter.. will that make them happy?
so i guess, it's not appropriate to measure happiness by the stacking amount of money, nor the minimum simplicity way of life.
Money and happiness can coexist with each other, but then again, if both are handled selflessly.
Money can solve many problems, but not all problems can be solved with money.
It's the choices that human make that matters.
Is it to be remembered?
When I was little, I've dreamt of fame.. once.
I want my name to be remembered.
I want to be a somebody of great importance.
I want to make discoveries, so that my name will be written in books, journals, encyclopaedias.
I want to leave a mark in this world.
Ambitious, but yes.. I've dreamt of that.
Is it.. to have a family?
To be a good wife.. and a good mother?
So that my story,
my love and tenderness would be passed down generation after generation of mine as being the one who shaped and mouled people of intelligent minds, with beautiful faiths and hearts?
To have someone with me beside my deathbed,
a lifelong companion whose intention isn't just to be with me in this life,
but also the hereafter.
Or.. is it, to be a humble and loyal servant of Him?
The one who believes in qada' and qadar,
strong-willed in facing life's turbulences as she knows they are from Him,
merely to test her faith and to give her the chance to reward her even more.
Will I be ever be good enough for His Jannah?
Above are a few things that had been going on in my mind - what I wanted in life.
Knowledge, Money, Fame, Love, and Faith.
And, based on my feeble judgements..
Knowledge : I want to be wise. Not just academically knowledgeable, but learn from others on how to be a better person. If changing means a better me, then why not? And.. it's never wrong to be a traveller. Experience is one form of knowledge, isn't it?
Money : Be rich is not my priority. I just hope that.. money won't be a problem for me.
Fame : Be known, and famous.. do i really need those? "I want to leave my mark in this world." Well.. maybe i will leave a mark, just maybe a slightly different one.
Love : This one is indeed.. beautiful. Love, accompanied with reason and not heart alone, will make life full of purpose. A strength to live. One day, I want to have a family. To be a good wife and mother. And, to be an obedient daughter till the end of time - too much to ask from myself, but will never be enough to repay for what my parents had done.
Faith : I'm too small to talk about this. :( Sangat kecil.. dan sangatlah tidak layak. One day I hope, I'll prove myself to be a good enough servant.
p/s : Manusia cuma merancang, Allah yang menentukan. Ah well, it's just a little something to ponder upon, and for me to walk the talk.