niffira.nia's: a P/S.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

a P/S.

I have certain issues with myself.


To some people, I'm totally reserved. I guard my emotions with total care, so that I won't appear to be vulnerable. Should that be consider as hypocrisy?

To some other people, I dont. And this particular group of people are those who really know me well. Most probably, than I do myself. In their company, I have nothing to cover up inside. I can scream, I can cry, I can be in silence with all day long, but still - no perceptions created, no assumptions made. These people knew exactly what my issue is (or I think they do);

I have problems in keeping my emotions in check.

I feel too much, and usually when I do, I think less.

Sometimes, I handled it well. When I'm upset, and I'm sensible, I'll keep myself quiet. I don't talk about it, because words, spoken without sense will turn out to be a knife, stabbing blindly. Silence is the best platform, as emotion and reason can be judged clearly without bias. At last, forgive and forget will turn out to be the best solution for mostly every argument.

Sometimes I don't. The problem is when I DON'T.
I hate it when keeping myself quiet isn't a reflex action for every emotional conflicts. Because I tend to forget.
I hate it, because instead, someone gets hurt when it's not even necessary to do so.
I hate it, because in a split second, I assume I have the right to say what I want because it's my tongue im using and it's my own freedom of speech. WTH. With freedom, comes responsibility - I missed that one, a lot.
I hate it, because I'll be vulnerable. My emotions will then be freely displayed for others to judge, and for some reason, I do care about what others have got to say.

I despised myself for this.


It's a scary thing, when some stupid, silly remarks in FACEBOOK can trigger such an emotion in me. What a waste of emotion!

Like seriously, the world is threatened by nuclear tests launched by those North Korean morons, and here I am, in an insignificant little part in this world, emotionally disturbed by some random things in some trivial networking site.

I think I've lost my marbles.

As a reflection, I think I've spent most of my hours in a day in cyberspace.
I blogged.
I ym-ed.
I facebook-ed.
I ning-ed.
I texted.
These so-called 'networking'.
Hovering in front of this lifeless notebook.
I even talked my heart out to this niffirania thing!

I maybe updated, connected to the cyberworld, but truth to be said, I feel disconnected from the world I'm living in.

Do you know,
how hard it was to talk about feelings with my fellow girl friends on the phone?
how difficult it was to tell my parents what I wished for and why?
Well, you get the idea.

Sometimes I can't help but to wonder how different things will be without technologies. '
Well, for me.
No internet, no phones.
To talk about feelings and emotions,
one has to come up and say it out loud.
No medium, no third parties.
Just two human beings, facing each other.

As for emotional disturbance occuring in some trivial parts of cyberworld,
I don't want it to further controlling my life.
Feeling things that weren't worth be feeling for, ahh.
It's too unhealthy. I've got better things to do.
I DARE myself to stay away from this side of civilisation.
I'm taking a vacation, for a week, or maybe perhaps more.
Time heals, Nature helps. Or so I think.
( I wish I can say the same to phone lines. :D )

p/s :

leaving for a NEW HOME, NEW PLACE right after,
and STARTING MY IB DIPLOMA in less than a month!


I can't be more optimistic towards life than I already am, right now.

good day to you. :)

Ehhh kejap, wannurfatin. Dah dapat P, bawak I jalan2. Hehe.


fats. said...

adalah saye telah mendapat P semlm. dan ye, akan saye bawa kamu jalan2. hehehe.

Lee said...

mengapakah mengapakah??
eh it wasn't about me kan? yeke?
if it is, i beg for your forgivenesssssss, aen.


niffira.nia said...

no lee, hehe. chill lah. :)

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